


The Birth of Me

by esmiedo



Category: Naruto
Genre: AU, Gen, Medic!Kakashi, Third Shinobi War, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, as of right now this is gen so no pairing, cursing, dyslexic writer with no beta, identity crisis, kakashi's dogs, like super rude, lots of filler OCs, major angst but I try to lighten it up some, minato is actually human and not some sort of perfect being, ninja therapy is weird, nonbinary kakashi, quickly becomes au, rude kid oc as kakashi, struggling through morals as a ninja thats been trained to kill
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:42:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23354131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/esmiedo/pseuds/esmiedo
Summary: His name was Kakashi, my name doesn’t matter.I remember what he becomes. What we would have been.Too bad he’s dead now. I’m the only one left, no longer a bystander.A reincarnated Oc as Kakashi fic.
Comments: 24
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter 1

I guess I was always there, somewhere in the back of his mind, watching. I can barely remember a time before all of this, where I was a nobody. Just a passing shadow in the eyes of many, full of depression and anxiety and spite.

Not much has changed.

His name was Kakashi, my name doesn’t matter.

I remember what he becomes. What we would have been.

Too bad he’s dead now. I’m the only one left, no longer a bystander.

“When will he gain consciousness?” a deep voice murmured quietly near the door.

“It should be any time now,” a feminine voice responded, her voice equally as soft.

I blinked my eyes open, squinting at the bright light that slid between the blinds of the hospital room. I could trace the dust particles floating in the air, especially if I closed my right eye. The air was uncomfortably cold, my face feeling strange and exposed as I turned slightly to regard the man at the door.

He was just as bright as the light that seared my eyes, blonde hair spiked wildly like a halo around his head. I closed my left eye, the pull on my charka was but a drip, drip, drip in the back of my mind instead of the steady flow it was before.

“Hello, Minato.” I murmured.

“Kakashi,” He whispered, stepping forward and hovering his hands like he wasn’t sure what to do with them, “Are you okay?”

I was silent as I just stared at him. Being in the forefront, the one in control was strange. I remembered watching Kakashi grow up, remembered watching his father smile down at him. I could still taste the love, both the bitter remembrance of it and the pure unadulterated affection Kakashi held for his father.

I remember the tang of blood in the air, Kakashi’s enhanced senses pulling me in and drowning us in it.

“No,” I responded quietly, blinking slowly at Minato.

“What can I do for you?”

“I don’t know.”

Minato sat down at the side of my bed, in his eyes there were tears that refused to shed, “I am here for you.”

“Obito isn’t dead,” I whispered.

“Yes, Kakashi,” Minato reached out and held my hand, Kakashi’s hand, “He is.”

I sat in silence staring at the ceiling.

“I’m not who you think I am.”

But I was. I didn’t want to be, but I had been a part of Kakashi since the moment he was born, I would always be a part of him. Trauma killed part of him, but I was still here, and I remembered.

“I don’t think you are anyone, Kakashi,” He reached out slowly as I laid limply in the bed until his fingers threaded through my hair and he gave me a weak smile, “you are just you and that is all that matters.”

We sat in silence for a while, I stared blankly at the wall my chest feeling strange and my body feeling buoyant.

The sun was no longer in my eyes when I turned to look at him, his tracing patterns in the ceiling. “Where is Rin?”

“In T&I, they are doing a basic screening to see if she is under any genjutsu or affected by any seals that may endanger the Leaf.”

I was sluggish as I blinked at him, processing the words slowly savoring them in my mind.

“You offered to take me to psychologist after father died, when can I go see one?”

My voice was flat to my own ears, it had been for a while. That’s what happened when you didn’t interact with people for a long time, all that hard-earned people skills from before evaporate like nothing. Minato had offered to take Kakashi to find a good psychologist, more than the mandatory psych evaluation all ninja underwent, around the time his dad died.

He smiled brightly, seeming overjoyed that I had asked on my own. “We can see about getting you an appointment now, if you would like?”

The Leaf was actually rather forward thinking when it came to mental health, I assume it had something to do with the Yamanaka since a great deal of their civilian and retired shinobi worked as therapist and counselors.

“Where is my mask?”

“We had to take it off, you were not breathing,”

“Did Rin see?”

“Yes.”

I pressed a hand to my cheek, slowly moving my hand to cover my mouth, muffling my next words, “I don’t like that.”

“I’m sorry.”

I closed my eyes for a moment, my hand pressing hard against my mouth as a felt old panic start to rise. The only thing keeping me from hyperventilating was the constant familiar and steady beat of Minato’s Chakra as it coated the room, filling my lungs as I breathed.

Did Kakashi trust her? Did I trust her?

No.

I wish I did.

It was comforting to breathe in warm air, hot from every exhale I produced, further centering me.

“Why am I in the hospital.”

“Generally speaking, when people stop breathing, they are brought here.”

“You could have let me die.” There was a gaping hole in my chakra now, I could feel it, it was like the maw of a black hole dragging in everything near it.

Devouring me.

Minato stared at me, a stricken look on his face as he jerked my hand away from my mouth and held both of my hands in his. “Do you want to die?”

“No, but I wouldn’t mind not existing.” I murmured, glancing away from his eyes and the brightness of his very presence that burned me.

“How long have you felt this way?”

I stared at the wall, my face still facing his as I tried everything I could to just melt away in that hole Kakashi left in our chakra.

“I don’t know.”

The air was cold.

“Kakashi, you know I love you right?” Minato sounded almost desperate.

I snorted, feeling bitter in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time as I found myself looking back at him a sneer on my lips, “Was your love enough to save me? Or better yet to save Obito? I tell you he is still alive and yet you don’t love me enough to believe me. I looked you dead in the eyes and told you he still live, that the little boy you loved lives, and you discard the information because why? I’m a little kid?” I laughed the noise slightly hysterical to my won ears. Minato dropped my hands, the white of his eyes flashing as he jerked like I had stuck him. “I’m a shinobi Minato, I haven’t been a kid for a long time. I am a Jonin, you would think you would trust me when I say things.”

“You really believe that?”

“Yes,” I hiss between my teeth my hand rising back to cover my mouth my thumb resting across my nose, “go ahead and try to retrieve the body, I bet you it won’t be there.”

“Why do you think that?”

I blinked my eyes slowly at him, the great thing about being at the back of Kakashi’s mind is that I could pay attention to things he could not. Often times while he dealt with the more dangerous things I paid attention to our teammates and their locations, this was no different.

I had sensed Obito’s chakra still smoldering like hot coals beneath the rocks that had crushed him as Kakashi fought, watched as it he was taken away.

By something.

“I sensed him leave.”

“Why didn’t you say something?”

“As you said, I stopped breathing.” I barked out another laugh dropping my hand to bare my teeth at him, something a little more feral than I meant to show, “Kind of hard to say anything when your dead.”

Our heart had stopped, after all, I remember that much, now it was just me.

He stared at me for a long time, before standing abruptly and vanishing in a blur of yellow.

My hand covered my mouth again the void yawned in my ear.

I rolled laid down and went to sleep.

* * *

I woke up the moment he entered the room.

“Hello, Kakashi,” Minato called out into the hospital room, “I know you are awake.”

I sat up slowly, my hand covering my mouth. I could see every detail of his face, the clarity was disorienting.

He looked so much older.

We stared at one another, I refused to blink. It would show weakness, after all, if I looked away.

“They are refusing to check to see if his body is there,” He began slowly, “they can’t expend the resources in this war.”

I remembered a time before all of this, where I didn’t fight. Where I didn’t kill. I did a paper once on propaganda. It's more than what the government does, it spread by every single person, its an idea meant to change your view.

Propaganda was a part of every culture.

It tended to only work when the bases for it was there. The will of fire was a good way to spread propaganda, the fact that the leaf really did have the moral high ground when it came to most Ninja villages was also a plus for civilians.

I had been paying attention.

I was not immune but damn if I wasn’t going to fight every step of the way. I would fight for this village, their training ensured that much, but it would be on my own terms.

“I want to be a medic.” I responded bearly getting the words out, “A battle medic.”

“You don’t have the charka control necessary.” He pulled my hand away from my mouth, staring down at my face, he was gazing at the space between my eyebrows, “Besides Rin is our medic.”

“She couldn’t do shit.”

“Kakashi, you can’t talk-“

“I am becoming a battle medic,” I cut him off, turning my head to look away from him, “I would also like to learn healing seals and get a new Tanto.”

“Kakashi-“

“I don’t believe I stuttered.”

Minato stared at me for a minute, before walking out of the room. I placed my hand back over my mouth.

I was learning biology before, was getting a master’s in microbiology specializing in infectious diseases. Back in the time I was studying for my bachelor’s degree I had a minor in Sociology, just to spice things up a little. I knew a lot about the human body, about how populations worked, and a lot about the brain.

I could make a difference.

The hole in my chakra throbbed.

We could make a difference in a system that didn’t care.

“Hello Kakashi, my name is Yui,” A voice drew me out of my thoughts, and a packet was placed in front of me, “This is the basic entry test for people trying to get into the medic program.”

I glanced up at her, she smiled indulgently before leaving.

They expected me to fail.

Thank God Kakashi had a passing interest in the medical stuff of this world or I wouldn't know the names things went by here. A lot was the same, but when you add a whole chakra network running parallel to the circulatory system you were bound to get new organs to play with.

The first page was a diagram of the human body, I was supposed to label the endocrine system.

The next was the basics of a heart.

Next was the chakra network, the production of chakra, the filtering of chakra, the stabilization of chakra and the gates involved with them.

After that was basic diagnostic questions in the form of short answers. I gave quick, decisive answers to everything I could, from how to treat a gut wound to how to treat a persistent cough. I only knew how to do it without chakra, and some of them I did not know the answer to, but I got most of them. Ultimately, I was no surgeon and could do only so much.

I turned my paper into the nurse that came to check on me, she discharged me and I left for my apartment.

To Kakashi’s apartment.

I had a medical mask covering my face and borrowed clothes on my back. Many completely disregarded my presence as I passed by like a ghost, my chakra coiled tightly around the little ball of nothing in an attempt to mask it form the masses.

When I made it to my apartment, I stared blankly around me then down at my hands, everything rushing up to meet me at once and I found myself on the floor curled up in a ball.

I wasn’t cut out for this.

“Boss?” A rough voice called out, the sound of claws on wood tapping me back into awareness.

“Pakkun?” I asked, my voice soft as I pressed my face against the floor.

“Right here, boss,” a soft pressure on my shoulder jarred me the rest of the way into the present “You okay?”

“He’s gone, Pakkun.”

“Who?”

“Kakashi, Obito, take your pick.”

“Who are you then.”

“I don’t know.” Tears dropped down from my face and onto the floor.

A cold nose pressed against my cheek, “You smell like Kakashi,” he licked my lightly, “Your chakra is Kakashi’s,” I glanced up looking at Pakkun, “You’ve been hurt. Talk to me about it.”

I carefully picked him up and held him to my chest curling around him as everything that had happened poured out of my mouth. I explained the mission, told him about how I was always watching, always at the back of Kakashi’s mind, his 6th sense always watching his back. I told him what it felt like when Kakashi died, how at that moment we both died but I was the only one to wake up.

I told him about the void.

He listened.

“I don’t know what to do, Pakkun.”

“Live, Kakashi. You live.”

“Weren’t you listening? I’m not Kakashi.”

“Well, you are a part of Kakashi so that makes you Kakashi, right?”

I stared at the wall, tired and spent, unable to answer.

“Listen, you have been apart of Kakashi since the moment you could remember anything, you may not have been influencing him consciously but I see a lot of his mannerism in you. The way you talk. The way you walk. The way you cover your mouth sometimes when you don’t have a mask. The way you run your hand through your hair when you're confused. You are the boss, my boss, and I’m not going to lose you. You got that?”

“Yeah," I mumbled, closing my eyes. 

“What is your name?” Pakkun asked.

“I don’t know,” I responded automatically only for Pakkun to snap his teeth down on my upper arm.

“What is your name?” Pakkun asked again as I stared blankly at my bleeding arm, the tiny puncher wounds oozing blood.

“Kakashi.”

“That’s right.”

I closed my eyes, rolling to sprawl out on my back.

“My name is Kakashi.”

It felt like a lie.

"That's right."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UUUUHH I'm supposed to be writing for the Venom sequel.
> 
> Im kind of stuck on that front so if someone wants to help by talking to me im game.
> 
> This kind of popped up out of nowhere. I have some ideas about what I want to do but, listen, this OC is going to be an absolute pain in the ass.
> 
> as always let me know what you think, please!
> 
> Stay Safe and healthy.


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up on the floor, Pakkun curled under my chin. The room was dark, meaning it was probably either early morning or still late at night.

I gazed endlessly in the dark, it was disorienting how well I could see and headache-inducing when the input only came from one side. I closed my left eye and sat in silence for a moment before carefully putting Pakkun down and entering the living room.

The apartment was small with an entry area and an open plan room that held my bed, a couch, a few bookshelves, a desk, and the kitchen.

My apartment.

It was odd, being a part of the world again. Interacting with it again. It was strange to make decisions rather than just influence them. 

I don’t remember my name.

My name is Kakashi.

The thing is if you said a lie enough times you started to believe it. It was the most basic form of infiltration we were taught, keep repeating the lie and eventually, you would get better at lying.

Eventually, you would become the lie.

My name is Kakashi.

What would Kakashi be doing right now? If he woke up unable to go back to sleep?

Train.

I dropped down and started doing pushups, staring blankly at the floor, careful not to use any charka so that I was strengthening my actual muscles.

I don’t remember a lot from the before. I don’t remember the faces of my family, but I remember the smell of my mother’s perfume and the salt that clung to my father. I remember the feel of my brother’s favorite blanket and the pull of my sister brushing my hair. I don’t remember much of my friends, an awkward smile, a tall silhouette, a flash of pink.

The only thing I can remember is my job and my education. I dedicated so much time and effort to it, it was ingrained into me at this point. It was a part of my very identity. I remembered what it was like to test facemasks, what it was like to wear one. I remember the first bacteria I worked with as a little intern, M. Luteus.

I remembered so much and yet still it wasn’t enough.

Because I wasn’t me.

My name is Kakashi.

“Kakashi?”

My arms were shaking. I stop and stood up. Switching to run slowly through the Kata father had taught us.

“Kakashi, what are you doing?”

“Training,” I responded blankly.

“You should be sleeping.”

“Can’t.”

Pakkun sat not too far away. I worked in the silence, the feeling of dread crawling up my back and settling somewhere behind my eyes.

“You said you wanted to be a medic, right?”

I glanced at him, freezing mid kata.

“Work on your chakra control. I’ll monitor you to make sure you don’t burn through too much.” He padded slowly up to me.

“How?”

“What?”

“I don’t know any chakra control exercises besides the leaf trick, tree climbing, and water walking.”

“I don’t know any.” Pakkun responded, “none that would work for a human.”

I dropped back to the floor, my legs folded under me. “What should I do?”

“Have you eaten?”

“No.”

“First eat,” Pakkun sighed, “then meditate, I guess.”

“You have no idea what you are doing,” I felt the smile creep onto my face as I watched him, “do you?”

He was trying.

“We are a combat team, not a medic team.” The tapping of his claws drew filled the space between us as he walked closer to me, “but if this is what you want then we will figure it out.”

“Pakkun,” I called out to him opening my arms for him to jump into, “I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“That I am not going to be enough. That I can’t be the Kakashi you need.”

“I don’t need any Kakashi than what you are right now.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

We sat in silence for a moment, my chin resting on his head, “Thank you.”

* * *

The next morning, probably a few hours after I had fallen back to sleep, I woke up to the blare of my alarm. I had set it for 6 am, enough time to do physical training before the library opened. I needed to work on my speed, I was fast already but I had to be faster. I knew the basics for speed training, had the weights.

I really needed a teacher willing to teach a medic.

My stamina could use some work too.

I sighed, running my hand through my hair, comforted by the rush of hot air that spread across my face from my mask. My headband served well enough to cover my new Sharingan eye, reduced on headaches and chakra drain.

I worked carefully for two hours, ensuring I took 5-minute breaks between each exercise and stretched after I was done.

Next was the library. I had a lot to go over, Kakashi’s hobby of reading medical texts from before had helped me a lot but he only had a basic knowledge on most things. I had a working knowledge of the human body and had taken a first aid class, so I had an upper hand when compared to someone who had no knowledge at all.

A book on basic physiology and a book on chakra control. I knew very little about the medic program, so I was guessing at best what was needed to get in. The test alone gave me something of an idea of what was needed but I still needed a teacher to really understand what I was doing and to ensure I didn’t do something wrong. I had a feeling I hadn’t done well enough on that test to get in, so it was going to be a fight.

A book on treating battlefield wounds wouldn’t be remiss, and battle tactics for medics if I could find one. I was a Jonin so I had a higher clearance than, say, a civilian or a genin so there should be something available to me. I know that a lot of the stuff a medic was trained in was done all by word of mouth, probably to prevent the other hidden villages from getting their hands on it.

“Kakashi Hatake,” a voice I didn’t recognize snapped me out of my idle musing as I browsed the books available to me.

I turned and gazed blankly at the ANBU in front of me.

“You are needed in the Hokage office immediately.” They vanished before my eyes, their chakra melding with the environment to the point I could not track them.

I wish I had Pakkun, he might let me touch his soft paws if I looked pathetic enough.

I walked carefully out of the library and took to the roofs, traveling as quickly as I could without causing a panic. I landed in front of the Hokage’s building, walking casually in, passing by several different ninjas with an air of someone not on death row.

I probably wasn’t, after all.

I reached the Hokage’s office on the third floor and waited for the secretary to acknowledge me. It took her three minutes.

“Can I help you?” She snapped.

“I am here to see the Hokage.”

“Do you have an appointment?”

“I was summoned,” I drawled, mildly annoyed, “I am Kakashi Hatake.”

“Oh!” She gasped, “Go in immediately, I don’t know why you didn’t say anything as soon as you arrived.”

With a sigh I nodded absently and walked up to the door, knocking lightly and waiting to be called in.

“Come in,” a deep voice I had only heard a handful of times called out to me, I could hear the rustling of paper and the breathing of two other people if I concentrated chakra to my ears.

I opened the door, immediately studying the room at large, taking note that two Uchiha that stood slightly off to the side looking incredibly annoyed.

“I believe when a summon says immediately you are supposed to show up as quickly as possible.”

I blinked slowly at him, “got lost.”

“Excuse me?” The Hokage coughed choking slightly on his pipe smoke.

“I got lost on the road of life.”

The Uchiha went a little red in the face and took a step forward his chakra roaring like a bonfire, “Listen here, boy, you will respect us-“

“Not a boy.”

“You-“

“Everybody, calm down,” The Hokage attempted to defuse the situation, “we are here to discuss Kakashi’s latest mission.”

I hunched in on myself, my uncovered eye wandering down to stare at his desk.

“The boy stole our heritage and you want to talk about this civilly?”

“Your right,” I bit out, grinning behind my mask as I lulled my head to look at the most incendiary of the two Uchiha, “Why be civil when all three of you are sitting around while a Leaf Ninja is probably being tortured right now.”

“What-” began the other man before I cut him off.

“He isn’t trained to resist any interrogation techniques, you know this, and he was a student of Minato so he obviously knows something.” I turned back to look at the Hokage, my chakra a ball of static in the back of my throat, “He was my best friend. If you want to talk to me about this eye, I recommend it just be me and you, Lord Hokage.”

I would rather be struck down in private. I had a lot to say after all.

“I don’t know what you are playing at, boy, but we will have that eye. It is our legacy and I will not have some disrespectful brat having it.”

“It was a gift and according to section 4.6 of clan law a gift given from one member of a clan to another cannot be taken away.” I snapped back, the void in my chakra yawning bigger for a moment, edged by static as it swallowed me leaving me cold, “have someone look through my memories, I don’t care, the eye was a gift from my friend and you can’t take it from me.”

“Listen here, child-” the other Uchiha started up, taking a step forward.

“I am neither a child nor a boy. It is obvious from the moment I was given this headband that I was nothing but a weapon,” I waved my hand sharply, “I asked for an audience with the Hokage. I have given you the information you need to move on. Stop fighting me, you will lose.”

“Both of you be quiet. We do not have the resources to check to see if what Kakashi says is true, however, from the report Rin, the medic who performed the transplant, has given us everything he says is true.”

“Lord Hokage-”

“You will drop the matter. I expect you to choose someone to train Kakashi in how to use his eye, this could be invaluable to us to win this war.”

“I am going to be a Battle Medic.” I cut in quietly.

All three of the ninja in the room stopped and stared at me.

“What?” The first Uchiha sputtered his righteous indignation breaking the silence.

“Why do people keep asking that, did I develop a stutter without realizing it?” I snapped back.

“Now, Kakashi, you don’t really have the capability to be a medic-nin.” The Hokage smiled in his grandfatherly way.

It pissed me off.

“As I said, I didn’t stutter. Am I dismissed?”

“No,” The Hokage’s eyes never strayed from me, “Elders Daisuke and Eito you are dismissed.”

I found myself unable to look away from the Hokage as he smoked his pipe, I could hear the two Uchiha leave the room grumbling as they went but I could not look away. I was terrified, I was furious, I was a void of static roaring to consume and yet I was nothing but human desperately wanting my only remaining friend, a dog.

“Convince me.” The Hokage sighed smoke as he studied me.

“Allow me to study in my free time, you all hail me a genius and yet you will not grant me this one boon. The leaf is changing, and history is watching. Someone needs to ensure we remain the good guys in the eyes of the civilians.”

“The civilians do not matter, we are at war.”

“You say that now but what is a king without a kingdom? They will revolt, they already are starting and if we lose their support suddenly, we are without food and weapons. Suddenly we are without a people to protect.”

“What does this have to do with your want to be a medic.”

“I can make a difference as a medic,” I sighed, “History isn’t just watching you it's watching all of us and if I can create enough waves, become known well enough without too much blood on my hands we may very well be able to win this war as the good guys in the eyes of anyone watching.”

“You are arrogant.”

“I am ambitious.” I countered easily, “I will be breaking every rule Lady Tsunade has placed for medics, but I have already come up with so many ways in my mind so save people and kill them.”

“Why?”

“I do not want to be helpless again.”

He watched me for a moment, staring through the smoke as he slowly exhaled. I was a broken thing, more a creature now than human, something more than humanity could bear. I was staring down a god with my teeth bared and the god was considering me and my counsel. 

“I’ve already taken the entry test, the nurse brought it to me while I was in the hospital.” I filled the silence, my voice strained, “if I didn’t pass it this time, then with a little bit of study, I will pass it next time.”

“You are dismissed, Kakashi.”

We stared a moment longer, the void inside me screamed stretching out under my skin and reaching beyond, I quickly jumped out the window trying to put as much distance between myself and _that man_ as I could.

* * *

He found me in the library, having already consumed half the medical textbooks offered. Kakashi had an eidetic memory, and being Kakashi meant I did too now. When my memory failed me I just flashed my shiny new demon eye at it and it was burned into my memory.

“Kakashi?” Minato called out, his hand hovering over my shoulder.

“What?” I drew out the word lazily as I turned the page, only giving him half my attention.

“Do you really want to be a medic?” He asked finally dropping his hand on my shoulder.

“Yes. A battle medic.”

There was silence for a moment, I could feel his chakra brush against my senses like a summer breeze and involuntarily I relaxed.

“Do you not trust Rin?”

“I don’t think I trust anyone but Pakkun right now.”

“Do you not trust me?”

“I don’t know.”

The silence returned, I glanced at the page number I was on and shut the book turning to face him. He looked pale and shaken, like I had just punched him in the gut.

“I’m sorry.” I murmured, closing my eyes against the pain in my chest and the chill at the edges of my very existence.

It was all I had to offer anymore, my remorse.

“We will start training tomorrow, I’ll get your evasion and speed and beat a few more taijutsu’s into you.”

“I’ll have an Uchiha teacher as well.” I waved absently at my eye accepting his change of topic easily, “for Obito’s eye that is.”

“The medic program starts back up in a month and a half, we will see how you did on that entry exam and if we have to you can take it again. There’s a month grace period before taking the exams, and the programs for entry medic last 2 months.” He smiled lightly, although it was strained, “Knowing you, you will burn through it and be a mid-level medic in that amount of time.”

“For what it’s worth I know you tried.”

He paused, his blue eyes unnerving as they stared at me, through me, “It wasn’t enough though, was it?”

“Sometimes, nothing is.”


	3. Chapter 3

I wish training montages were a real thing. I wish I didn’t feel the need to work so hard. I wish I wasn’t such a try-hard.

“Come on, Kakashi,” Minato called out from the ground “You have to learn where your center of balance is, more so than you already know it. You have to be so familiar with it that its second nature.”

I stood, balanced on one leg reared up on the tips of my toes on a pillar the size of a pencil. One wrong move and the pillar broke, one wrong move and I fell. I had graduated up to this a while back, Minato was big on your ability to balance in a fight, knowing your center of gravity and how to throw it around. Hence why while I was balancing so precariously, he was throwing water balloons at me. If they hit, I was soaked and got an extra lap added to my 10 laps around the village. I was on 20 and climbing fast as my leg shook.

I was not allowed to use chakra after all.

It would have been easier if I could use chakra. I could run it through the pillar, like one does on a skinny tree branch to ensure it holds your weight. I could stick to the pillar to keep from falling. I could strengthen my toes, so they didn’t ache constantly.

It was nice to have someone other than Pakkun believe in me though.

“Alright,” Minato smiled up at me, “you can stop for now.”

At that moment Minato was a merciful god blessing me and I was a humble peasant begging at his temple. I had been going at it for over 2 hours, balancing, and it was honestly hell.

Turns out I didn’t have the best balance.

It wasn’t bad, probably average at best for a Jonin, but to learn the taijutsu that I needed to know I hadto be able to adapt no matter what attack was being sent my way. I already knew the Hatake style, both the taijutsu forms and the kenjutsu forms. I wasn’t a master, my body was too small for it still, but I knew enough to survive and be dangerous.

“Next I want you to use that eye of yours to copy these kata and then practice until you get them right. This style relies heavily on flexibility and evasion, I have been meaning to teach it to you because it’s a good addition to the Hatake’s fast and violent strikes.”

I quickly memorized the forms as he went through them one by one and slowly used a few in conjunction with each other so I had an idea of the flow of the jutsu. Where the Hatake style our father had taught us was about hard strikes and fast movements this one was more about fluidity, the inherent grace would mesh well with the hard blocks and strikes of my other style.

Suddenly Minato’s fist was flying at my face, just a hint faster than I could move. Instinctually my body was charged with chakra and I lifted my hands to block. My feet skidded across the ground leaving furrows where my heel dug in. I immediately launched a few kunai at him and replaced myself with a leaf from a tree, before attempting to do it again with another even farther away. I coiled my chakra up as tightly as I could and moved as quickly and silently as possible, padding my feet with chakra and rolling my weight so I made no sound.

I circled him, staying low to the branches and moving behind the cover of leaves. Finally, I was behind him and slide my fingers through the only immobilization jutsu I knew. I could cast a careful web of lighting chakra that while painful would cause a paralytic effect immobilizing the muscles. I imagine it had something to do with interfering with the electoral impulses from the brain to the muscles. It was a high chakra control technique, one that I barely had the control for, but managed all the same. Its basic idea was to create a web with chakra strings and then charge it with lightning chakra.

Minato jerked as the jutsu was placed over him, I narrowed my eyes in confusion and on instinct alone dropped from the tree branch I was on only to hear it break disrupting the genjutsu that I had been under. Mid air I twisted blocking the next attack with crossed arms. It sent me hurtling to the ground at a startling speed, I spun trying to land on my feet and fumbled. Stumbling I attempted to right myself as the Minato’s onslaught of attacks continues, I dogged block and attempted to put distance between us unable to switch from defense to offense and seeing no openings.

Finally, he landed a hit, his fist digging into my stomach with enough force to knock the air out of my lungs. I just barely managed to coat the area with chakra and sent a quick charge at him shocking him at the point of impact as I struggled to breathe.

“Okay,” Minato grinned shaking his hand slightly, “First off stop trying to pull your chakra into a ball, it works for lower-level ninja but to people like me, you’re just making your chakra denser and more noticeable. You need to spread it out and suppress it, mingle with the environment. It’s the only way to go unnoticed without something like the chameleon jutsu. You did a good job moving without being noticeable, the only thing I can say about that is to learn to do the replacement jutsu without hand signs if you're going to use it as you did. Second, off you need to use everything you have, every genjutsu, every ninjutsu, everything that you can manage. The lighting thing you did was a cool trick, adding it to your punches and block strategically would be an interesting thing to do.” He paused studying my face for a moment like he could glean some sort of secret from the way I was gasping like a fish on the ground. “You’ve changed.”

“I’m sorry?” I wheezed, dread running down my spine.

“In the past, you would have responded immediately with aggression, this time your first instinctual move was to put as much distance between us as you could.” He ran a hand through his hair, “Losing Obito has changed you.”

“I didn’t lose him.”

“Kakashi-”

“He’s still alive and I am going to find him.”

“You must be mistaking Kakashi, no one can take that kind of injury and survive.” His voice was gentle as he reached out offering a hand to help me up off the ground, “As you like to point out, you died. Under all of that stress, don’t you think you could have made a mistake?”

“No.” I pushed myself up ignoring his offer to help, “You just want it to be that way because then your not leaving a student you are responsible for out in the middle of this war to be tortured at best.”

“I hope you’re wrong.” He whispered, “Can’t you just agree with me?”

I stared at the ground, my shoulders hunched inward, “I’m not that kind.”

We stood there in silence, my eyes studying the marks of our battle. The kunai dug into the ground, the upturned dirt and furrows scatter around the field.

“You asked for therapy.” His voice was full of false cheer, it was as if the conversation never happened and I felt a bitterness swell in my chest.

“I don’t think I need it anymore,” I responded as I glanced up at the sky to take note of the time. It was Noon, we had been up since five in the morning.

“Too late,” He laughed, the sound was sounded somehow staged, “let's get some food and by then it’ll be time for your appointment.”

“Yeah,” I released a sharp exhale, the heat of my breath warming my face in a way that reminds me in a blurry, half-formed, way of when we were young and Kakashi would hide his face against his father’s neck. “Okay.”

* * *

“Hello,” The Yamanaka smiled at me, “My name is Tsubaki Yamanaka.”

I found myself looking at anything but her. I silently studied her desk, the picture of her and a man with black hair cropped close to his head and deep brown eyes holding hands. A badly made clay lucky cat sat with one paw up and a smile on its face. There was a file, Kakashii’s file, laid open with heavily redacted words in front of her. The room itself was neutral with an open window of to the side with curtains covering it. The chair I sat in let me see all angles of the room and if the door was to be opened would hide me from the person opening it. 

“How are you today?” Tsubaki’s voice was soft, unassuming.

“Fine,” I grunted out.

We sat in silence for a moment.

“Do I make you uncomfortable?”

“Yes.”

“How could I make you feel more comfortable?”

“Stop analyzing everything I do.”

“Isn’t that what everyone does? Especially ninja.”

“It’s not the same.”

“Why is that?”

“Because I understand what they want from me.”

“The only thing I want from you is for you to be happy and healthy.” She responded, moving slowly to prop her chin upon her hand, “are you happy, Kakashi?”

“What is happy?” I snorted, finally looking her in the eye.

“That’s something you will have to decide.”

We sat in silence for a moment, before she continued.

“What would you like to be called?”

“I’m sorry?”

“You don’t like your name,” she balanced a pen between her desk and her finger, “what would you like to be called instead?”

Dread made my palms sweet, was there really another option?

“Kakashi is fine.”

“It makes you uncomfortable. I would like you to be as comfortable as possible so what would you like me to call you while you are here?”

I stared blankly at the lucky cat, it smiled absently back up at me.

“I don’t have an answer.”

“Think about it and let me know. You have all the time in the world.” She studied me, her cool blue eyes mapping gout the visible part of my face, “What would you like to talk about?”

“I don’t know.”

“I read about your most recent mission.” She began easily, “do you want to talk about that?”

“Not really.”

“It’s just going to fester if you don’t.”

“I let everything else do that.”

“What do you mean by that?” she asked after a moment of silence, likely waiting for me to continue.

“My father’s death. My own inadequacy. Take your pick.” I ran a hand through my hair as I calculated how quickly I could leave, “What difference would it make adding Obito’s capture to that?”

“Capture?”

“He is still alive, I know it.”

“Okay.”

“Okay? I tell you my best friend is likely being tortured and you say okay?”

“Was he?”

“Excuse me?”

“Was he your best friend?” She repeated easily.

“Are you questioning the depth of my relationships?”

“If that is what you think I am doing then yes.”

“He was as close to a best friend as I have ever had.”

“But does that make him your best friend. It’s a lofty title after all.”

“Yes.” I closed my eyes, “I know I am not his best friend, but he is mine. He kept me in line in his own way, you know? Kept me alive and soft when I just wanted to temper myself down to something hard and unforgiving.”

“Is that why you want to be a medic?”

“A battle medic.”

“That doesn’t answer the question.”

“I guess it is. On some level, it’s the only way I can keep that soft piece of myself that he molded alive. That piece that spits and hisses and purrs. On some other level, it’s because I don’t want to be that hopeless again.” I paused glancing down at my hands, “relying on Rin isn’t enough.”

“Why isn’t it enough?”

“What do you mean?”

“Is it relying on Rin that isn’t enough or something more?”

“I don’t think I can rely on really anyone anymore.” I responded slowly, “I know now that I could rely on Obito to always have my back, to always do his best to protect me and never leave me behind. I know I can rely on Pakkun, he would never do anything to betray me. But everyone else is this gray area, this area full of unknown.”

“I see.” She hummed, “and your solution to this is to become a battle medic.”

“It fits everything I need to be.”

“You don’t need to be anything, Ka-” she cut herself off closing her mouth slowly before leaning forward. “You can only be who you are after all.”

“Who I am isn’t enough.”

“For whom?”

“What?”

“Are you not good enough for yourself or someone else?”

“I don’t know.”

“Think about it.” She nodded slightly writing something down, “Why don’t you tell me a little bit about Pakkun?”

“He’s a dog,” I titled my head, “He will be the leader of the ninken I will eventually make a part of my team. I’ve had him for around 5 years. While I am going through the medic program I was going to send him to the Inuzuka to not only find the rest of our team but to start training them so that by the time I finish the training they offer we can start figuring out team moves.”

“You just told me a lot about being a ninja and not a thing about Pakkun.”

I blinked slowly at her, “We are ninja.”

“Being a ninja isn’t all you are.”

I was silent, staring blankly at her, “He’s stubborn and mouthy but he has always been there for me no matter what. He’s pack.”

“You don’t use that word lightly, do you?”

“No.”

“Okay, how about we meet again in a week.” She smiled easily, “Think about what I should call you, what it means to be happy to you, and if you are not good enough for yourself or others.”

I sat there, watching her for a moment before she stood up and slowly walked to the door with deliberate movements.

I left feeling strangely hollow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Baby fight scene to spice things up a little. It lasted maybe a minute? Both of them are very fast after all. 
> 
> I made a mistake that I fixed in the other chapters, for some reason I thought Kakashi was a Chunin for the Bridge mission but he had just been promoted to Jonin. It's been fixed.
> 
> I'm working from home right now but Monday marks the beginning of my work week, I don't know how much I will be able to write between it and school work. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, please be safe!


	4. Chapter 4

I failed the medic entry exam by one point.

The minimum entry number wasn’t particularly high, but all I had to go by for the original entry exam I took was Kakashi’s passing knowledge and the information I knew from The Before. The Before knowledge was so very different from what the people here knew, I had already found a number of things that had completely different names than what I knew before, for example here the pancreas was called the kososuro. There was some overlap like the heart was still the heart but there were entirely new glands that interacted with the chakra system that I was only just learning about. 

I would need the entire month for me to be able to pass this exam with high enough scores for them to overlook that I was a frontline Jonin trying to become a battle medic. Not to mention I had plans to ignore at least one of Tsunade’s rules for medics.

I planned to completely discard the fact that a medic could not fight on the front lines without the Strength of a Hundred Technique of the ninja art Creation Rebirth. I knew enough about being a medic to know how to weaponize a lot of their techniques, I just had to be fast enough. I was one of the fastest ninjas in the leaf, so that shouldn’t be a problem. Especially after the training Minato was going to and has been putting me through.

“Are you sure you want this?” Pakkun rested his chin on my lap as I read through a scroll on the parasympathetic nervous system. I figured being a neurologist would be something I could be interested in since it wasn’t something particularly explored in this world but was something I was interested in The Before.

“Yes.” I said simply in response, “have you made contact with the Inuzuka?”

“Of course, there’s a crack in the path though.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah,” He said slowly rubbing his stumpy nose with his paw, “they say they need you there to pick the rest of the team and that you would need to be at training at least once a week.”

I exhaled sharply through my nose and then mimicked him almost involuntarily, “I don’t even know what kind of formations we should use yet.”

“I think its more along the lines of all of us getting used to working together, knowing each other.”

I blinked slightly, “That’s fair.”

“Promise that I will always be your favorite?”

“I don’t know, there might be someone cuter than you.”

“Being cuter than me is illegal, the Hokage decreed it the day I was born.”

“It’s a good thing I’ve escaped conviction by keeping this mask on my face this long. I’m sure I can pass on my skills to at least one of them.”

He gasped loudly crawling into my lap and in-between myself and the book I was reading and proceeded to lick my face. I laughed lightly and tried to push him away halfheartedly, but he kept on his ruthless onslaught.

Finally, he stopped, pressing his forehead against mine, “joking aside, do you promise me?”

“Yeah, Pakkun, I could never replace you.”

He smiled as only a dog can, his brown eyes bright and laughing, “damn right you couldn’t.”

I found myself laughing slightly before I threw my arms around him and held him close, “I love you, Pakkun”

“Love you too, Kakashi.”

My stomach dropped.

My name is Kakashi.

It was a mantra I had to remember; it was the truth now after all. Even if it left my mouth feeling like cotton and a burning in my eyes.

* * *

I stood in the Inuzuka Kennels for outsiders, a different array of dogs milling about around me. Some were fully grown, others were still puppies.

“I recommend you choose around four, it’ll give a good number for a hunting pack. If you need more, you can always come back.” Reo Inuzuka grinned at me as she slapped my back harshly, “You are getting a discount since you’re a Hatake but depending on who you choose is going to depend on your prices.”

“Of course,” I murmured in response, absently adjusting the edge of my mask so there was no exposed skin between it and my forehead protector.

Carefully I sat down in the middle of the room and slowly pushed my chakra out into the air. I saw several of the dogs around me stop and smell the air, some even glanced at me before continuing to do what they were before. They were used to strangers passing through and probably knew not to get attached since most Ninja looking for Ninken had their own criteria. I was mostly looking for someone compatible with me and Pakkun, someone who could either be a good foil for attacks or a good compliment, as well as at least one surprise to add some diversity. My chakra sense was best when my chakra was brushing against another creature’s charka even if it was generally seen as incredibly rude for someone to brush their chakra against someone else.

I sat there for around two hours just observing and feeling out everyone’s chakra, some left to go outside others stayed in the room. Eventually, a massive black bulldog lumbered over to me and flopped down next to me, his bulk pressing against the side of my leg. I absently reached out and offered him my hand so that he could catch my scent, he blinked once before butting his head against my hand.

Pakkun grunted at the other dog, and they seemed to have a conversation before he jumped onto the bulldog’s back and laid down.

The Bulldog seemed to set a precedent as four more dogs began to crowd in on us, crawling over my lap and onto the bulldog as we both patiently withstood it. Will all five of the new dogs there were two puppies and three young adult dogs that were in a desperate need of a bond.

I couldn’t turn them down.

“What do you think, Pakkun?”

“Their perfect.”

“Keep them in line while I go get Reo.” I nodded absently before carefully disengaging from the pile of limbs the other dogs had made of us. I would need them to stay in the Inuzuka compound until I could get a house, I would need to be able to have a place for them to stay and a yard for them to run in after all. It was probably best for them to stay in the Inuzuka compound while they were getting their basic training done anyways, any personalize training would be done by me afterward.

I sniffed the air absentmindedly searching for Reo as I shut the door to the Kennels behind me. Following the most recent trial was hard with all the muddied smells but I am a Hatake so I managed.

I had been a Hatake since the moment I was reborn into this world, I remembered every tracking lecture our father imparted on us before he died, every tip and trick. I remembered how he would smile, how he would tease us when we were younger, how he loved us.

“Oh, hey Kakashi, finally pick your new team?”

I blinked back into awareness, nodding slightly.

“Took you long enough, let's go find out who you picked.”

We wandered back to the kennels to find my new team piled on top of each other napping.

Reo laughed, “I would have never figured you would have picked this group. You are going to have a hell of a time with some of them. You got a thing there for brown, huh? The big black bulldog is Bull. The cute little floppy-eared brown guy is Bisuke. The dog with tan fur and a white muzzle is Akino. The red-brown greyhound puppy is Uhei. The other brown guy with dark floppy ears is Guruko.”

I quickly filed the information away, “How much will they be?”

We quickly worked out a price, I didn’t bother haggling knowing I was already getting a discount. Our father had saved a lot of money while he was alive, enough to buy the dogs and cover half the cost of a decent three-room house. I had been covering my own bills and food cost, so his money had only been gathering interest in the years he has been dead.

“Please, thank lord Shippo for allowing me to not only have some of the Inuzuka dogs but also for allowing them to stay for the duration of their training.”

“Yeah, yeah,” She bared her teeth in a near-feral grin, “don’t worry about it.”

I crouched down and ran my hand over any part of their body I could conveniently reach of the pile they were in and gently pushing my chakra into each one. I could feel the preliminary bounds begin to form between us. It was grounding, to have even the beginnings of a Pack again.

The interesting thing about ninken bonds was that it was all about intent. Both parties had to be willing to and intending to bond for the bond to begin to take hold. It was then enforced by daily chakra infusions and scenting. Scenting was a big thing among the animalist clans like the Inuzuka and Hatake. It was private and something you did with the closest people you had in your life; you imprinted their scent in your mind so you would be able to find them anywhere.

It was for Pack.

I know our dad’s old Genin team had been his Pack, along with our mom and one other person. His genin team had bonded right before they moved up to chunin. They died on a mission a year before he died.

Before we failed him.

The only Pack I had used to be Pakkun and our dad, Kakashi was never one to make bonds with people. It was a weakness after all.

It was a lonely life to live.

“I will be back to visit you tomorrow. Behave for Pakkun, he is in charge.” I stood up and went to turn away before pausing, “Pakkun, don’t abuse your power.”

“What is the point of power if you can’t abuse it?” He snorted

Glancing back, I narrowed my eye, “Pakkun.”

“Fine, I will not abuse my power.”

“Thank you.”

I almost had a family again.

* * *

The room was the same dull room as it was the week before, the sheer pink curtains the only mark of personality besides that damned lucky cat and picture on her desk. Light stained a faded hue of pink filtered into the room and onto Tsubaki’s face.

“How are you today?”

The lucky cat wasn’t even painted well, Kakashi could have done better at the age of five than whoever made it.

“Fine.”

“Have you decided what you would like to be called while you are here?” She smiled at me, her eyes creasing at the corners.

We sat in silence until I couldn’t bear it any longer, “It’s detrimental for me to be anything but Kakashi.”

“What do you mean?”

“I am Kakashi,” I responded automatically; the words practiced.

“But you don’t want to be.” She responded just as quickly.

“I have to be.”

“You don’t have to be anything,” she tapped her chin lightly before her face brightened, “let us start over.” She quickly schooled her features before smiling serenely at me, “Hello, my name is Tsubaki Yamanaka, what is yours?”

“It’s not important.” I sighed turning to look at the pink currents once again.

“Some say names hold power,” I could see movement out of the corner of my eye and it took every stubborn bone in my body to keep from glancing at her, “the wrong one can be as detrimental as the right one can be sometimes.”

She wasn’t going to drop it. I could tell that much. I desperately wish Pakkun was here so he could distract her with his adorable paws while I made a mad dash for the window. I was calculating every single possibility I could think of to leave without ‘flight risk’ being placed in my file. Ultimately, I had asked for this, so I might as well see it through a couple more times before calling it quits.

If I had to be called something, I wanted it to be something from Kakashi’s name or a play off it at least. It could be any number of things but the only thing that stuck out in my mind was Shi. Shi which simultaneously stood for the number four and superstitiously for death in this culture.

How fitting.

“Hello, Ms. Yamanaka, I am Shi.”

I watched her expression out of the corner of my eye. Watched as she blinked, slightly startled, before asking, “that’s a bit morbid, isn’t it?”

“It is fitting. I am the death of Kakashi, after all.”

“What does that mean?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“But it does, doesn’t it?”

We sat again in silence, this one significantly longer, finally she sighed. Relenting, she asked, “can you tell me what makes you happy?”

“Having a happy and healthy Pack.”

“That’s a good thing to make you happy,” she said carefully, “what about you though?”

“What do you mean?”

“How can you make yourself happy beyond making other people you love happy.”

I frowned behind my mask, narrowing my eye at her, “you expect me to live for myself in a village that facilitates an opposite manner of living from that for everyone else? Where the Will of Fire is sacrificing yourself for the good of the village?”

“I am not here for the good of the village, I am here for the good of you.

“Which in turn supports the village.”

“That is inconsequential.”

I stared blankly at her, I couldn’t quite wrap my head around the fact there was someone in this village that wanted me to do something for me.

“Find a hobby,” She interrupted my thoughts, “something that has nothing to do with training.”

“That is a waste of time.”

“You will find that having mentally sound patients as a battle medic will be paramount to everything when treating them. Coming up with ways to calm a patient and have them trust you will help you a great deal, how can they trust you if you can’t take care of your own mental health. Having a hobby will help with this.”

I blinked slightly.

“Did I make myself clear?” She asked mildly.

“Yes,” I responded slowly.

“Okay, Shi, I will see you next week.”

* * *

I had a mission.

It was a simple carrier mission, one that I would be taking by myself and that should only take a day. I visited the dogs before leaving, rubbing each on their heads and smiling down at them from behind my mask. I had taken to telling them about my day as I always did with Pakkun, the puppies were picking up speech already and the older dogs were trying their best under Pakkun’s tutelage.

I didn’t know how to ask them to call me Shi. I couldn’t bring myself to even try to figure out how to ask them. It was for the best.

After all, I had to be Kakashi for them.

I left an hour later, stopping to grab the bag I always had packed and paused at the gate to log my exist.

“Kakashi Hatake, 009720, out on a C rank.” I tapped the desk lightly as the two Chunin grinned at me as one of them wrote down my information.

“First Mission alone Hatake?” the one of the right asked, his hair a gray-brown.

I grunted slightly as I looked up at the sky to check the time.

“Not very talkative, are you?”

“I have places to be.”

The one on the left snorted, “Yeah, Koji, he has places to be.”

I turned and left after I was sure they had finished recording my information, ignoring the rest of the conversation. Kakashi had never been forced on guard duty, although it was a common Chunin mission. I imagine it was mind-numbingly boring so I didn’t fault the two men their fun while they could get it. I was a comrade after all.

I traveled quickly but efficiently through the trees, for the first leg of my journey I headed straight for the hidden base in the middle of Fire country.

That is until the feeling of being watched began.

On high alert I waited a few minutes to see if whoever or whatever it was would engage, it simple persistent. In response I carefully did what I could to be as unnoticeable as possible, to be as casual as possible.

Trusting my instincts, I began to use evasive maneuvers. I changed course, switching with clones and casting every area affected genjutsu I knew at random intervals of time. I added in simple traps with a flicker of my chakra and a fake stumble when I could as I tried to look as much like a green inexperienced jonin as possible.

Eventually, I felt like they were gone, whatever it was that was following me had been lost by the third gentutsu. I was careful to ruin my trail by tracing back over it and used a scent suppression jutsu. I then used a chain of fairly spread out replacement jutsu and shunshin in quick succession to get as far away as my original trail as possible without leaving another one. It was possible for someone to track suppressed scents, so I was trying to be as aware of the possibilities as I could be.

Finally, I felt comfortable enough to summoned Pakkun. He sat there blinking up at me with his innocent eyes, he had never seen real battle yet and summoning him made me nervous, but this was a time of war and every precaution had to be made.

“Pakkun, I need you to go ahead of me and warn the outpost that I might have company. I was being tracked for the last 30 minutes, I lost them 10 minutes ago. I will give you 5 minutes while I cover my trail further, you need to travel as fast as you can, can you do that?”

“Yes, Boss. Which outpost is it?”

“Outpost B, you remember how to get in?”

“Yes, Boss.”

“Then go.”

I watched him go and carefully cast a water jutsu on the area around us and used another replacement jutsu to get out of the area. The person following me shouldn’t know that Pakkun was my Ninken, most didn’t since I had yet to use him in battle. Pakkun wasn’t meant to fight, too small and delicate, but in conjunction with the other dogs they would be a perfect team.

Using every stealth trick I knew as I slowly made my way back toward the outpost. It had already added an extra day to my mission and already I was running on fumes from being on constant alert and moving without sleep or food. I had managed to cram an energy bar down my throat but that was all I had risked.

The moon was high and my nerves a tight ball at the back of my throat.

This was just my luck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have a question for you guys, I'll give you two chapters not counting this one to tell me your opinions before I make up my mind.
> 
> I was thinking of making this an OC!Kakashi/Obito Fic. If there are a bunch of you either against the pairing or not wanting a pairing at all I will not do it but I thought it would be interesting to explore this new Kakashi's relationship with Obito. It would be a slow burn if I do it but, still, I thought it might be interesting. It would remain PG in regard to romance, the only reason I have this raised T is because of violence and I might need to up the rating later in the story because of the descriptions of violence I will be giving. 
> 
> But anyways I have a soft spot for romances.
> 
> As always stay safe and let me know what you think!


	5. Chapter 5

I had been traveling for two days on high alert, I didn’t feel safe but the feeling of being watched never returned. I was confident enough to make it to the outpost, sliding across a branch and onto the forest floor.

I carefully scoured the forest in front of me for the hidden outpost, revealed beyond belief when I finally found it.

“The moon passes in the shadows of the forgotten land, the raven caws three times, and under the rocks we find new life,” I whispered after slamming my hand three times on what seemed like normal ground.

A trap door attached to a massive bit of ground rose up, “Hey Hatake, got your dog’s message. Get in here and we will take care of the rest.”

I slide down, in the pitch black and navigated by smell alone until I made it to what felt like a blank wall. I waited patiently for the one who opened the trapdoor to find me.

“Wow, how did you do that?” He laughed as he shifted around in the dark. Finally, the barrier moved, opening up to a room full of bright light.

“Pakkun?” I asked immediately.

“Right here, Boss.” His gruff voice immediately put me at ease as I reached down and patted his head.

“Good job,” I said softly, only to get a doggy grin in response.

“Why are you here anyway, Hatake?” The voice from before asked and I turned to see a man with shaggy blond hair and bright green eyes.

“Where is the head of this outpost.”

The only people that ever knew who was in charge of an outpost were the Hokage and the people in the outpost themselves.

“Oh, you are one of those, huh?” He laughed before gesturing for us to follow him.

We walked through a bunch of twists and turns, passing through a few dead ends and finally made it our destination.

“Yo,” The blonde mand said as he walked into the room, “Brought you Hatake from the village proper. He is the one who sent the dog telling us he was being followed.”

“Thank you, Tetsuya.” A burly bear of a man with a thick beard and golden eyes growled out.

“No problem,” He saluted before walking out of the room just as casually.

I stood awkwardly staring at the much larger man before jerkily holding out the bead I had been given to identify the leader of the outpost I was going to. The man sighed, carefully taking the bead from me and channeling some chakra through it, it lit up red before fading back to black. Nodding slightly, I handed him the scroll with whatever I was supposed to deliver on it and took back the bead.

“Thank you Hatake, Tetsuya is outside still and will guide you to where you can eat and rest.”

I nodded again, taking several steps back before finally turning and rushing out of the door with Pakkun hot on my heels.

Why are the simple missions always the most stressful?

“Oh man,” Tetsuya laughed, “You look like you just saw a ghost.”

“He said you could show me the mess hall and bunks?” I murmured, ignoring his comment.

“You are kind of a stick in the mud, you know that?”

“And you have a grating voice, you know that?”

“What are you five?” He paused, blinking as if he were surprised, “Oh wait, you are!”

“I’m twelve,” I snapped before I realized it was just as bad.

“Oh,” He drew out the word nodding his head as sagely, “twelve, sorry.”

We were quiet for a moment as we walked through the base, I followed the other man as closely as I could doing my best not to remember any of the turns. I wasn’t staying so I wasn’t really supposed to know how the base was laid out. It made my skin crawl not knowing where the exit was, but I was among comrades.

“Alright, kid,” Tetsuya grinned as he threw his arm over my shoulders, “Here is the mess hall.”

“Kakashi?” A voice I recognized called out, blinking I glanced over only to be engulfed by red before I could really process anything. The only thing that kept me from instictively lashing out was that the scent registered as safe.

“Look at you! Does this mean Minato is here?” The voice I could now fully identify as Kushina gushed, “Show me where Minato is!”

“He’s not here,” I replied the words lost against her shoulder.

“What?” She finally pulled back, holding my shoulders as she smiled down at me.

“He’s not here.” I quickly checked to make sure my headband and mask were in place.

“Is he okay?”

“Yes, We-” I began before she cut me off with a loud huff.

“Why are you here alone then.”

“I’m a Jonin, ‘Shina,” I responded slowly using the nickname she had been trying to get the team to call her. She said it’s what family used to call her.

She froze at the name and I shifted uncomfortably.

“What happened?”

“I can’t say much.”

“Whatever you can.”

“Obito has been put down as KIA.”

Her face grew ashen, before her eyes narrowed, “You said 'put down as.'”

“I,” I paused studying her face before sighing, “I don’t think he’s really dead.”

“What the fuck are you doing here then.”

“They won’t let me go look for him.”

“That shouldn’t stop you.” She abruptly bared her teeth, “Hell, I will go look for him myself.”

“This isn’t the place to talk about this.”

“You eat. We will head out after.”

“How about I eat then we talk about how we can’t afford to do that. We are at war.”

She looked lost for a moment, torn between crying and raging, “It’s Obito though.”

“I know,” I whispered closing my eyes against the pressure building up behind them. It had been a long time since we cried, I wasn’t about to start now.

“Uh,” A masculine voice broke in and I involuntarily flung a Kunai at them, it grazed Tetsuya’s cheek as he blinked wide-eyed at me, “Okay. Think you could not fling Kunai around in the base? Cool thanks moving on from this touching moment you both are having in the middle of the mess hall how about we get the gravy train movin’ and grab some chow.”

I could feel my face turn bright red as I realized how many people were staring at us. I must have been much more tired than I thought to have missed all of them listening to our conversation.

It wasn’t good.

It wasn’t a conversation that should have been had in the open when we could easily be tried for treason.

“Come on, Kakashi!” Kushina laughed loudly, throwing an arm over my shoulder, “I’m hitting all the outposts on my way back from the Rock front.” She pushed me along until we reached the back of the room where food was carefully being handed out and prepared. I absentmindedly took the tray she handed me and moved along quietly until we found a table to sit at to eat.

“So, Jonin, huh? That’s a big step.” She sighed, smiling widely at me, “Tell me what’s been going on with you.”

It was like a switch had been flipped, she was no longer a wild wolf inches from a kill, teeth bared and eyes wide.

“I have more dogs,” I mumbled around my food, blinking at the whiplash, “and need to buy a house.”

“Oh!” She clapped in excitement, “I didn’t know you needed any other dog but Pakkun.”

“He’s more of an intel and message runner type,” I responded absently, “I need other dogs to fill other roles like an immobilizer or a few to make up an attack team.”

“I see.”

“How has the war front been?” I asked awkwardly.

“Rough,” She hissed out, looking exhausted for a split second before like a mirage it was gone, “but we will get them! Things seemed to be lightening up a little when I left.”

“You are headed back to the village?”

“Yeah, this is my last stop. I will be here for another week before I make it home though.”

She had probably already said too much, telling me how long she had left. Each frontline Ninja was given a set of outposts they had to stop at both on the way to the warfront and on the way back from the war front, it was random which ones they went to but each wave went to a select few and outposts moved every month or so. If she was here for another two weeks, it meant this one was likely to move either two weeks from now or within two weeks after she returned to the Leaf.

I tried not to think about it.

“When I get back do you want me to help you find a house?”

“If I haven’t already found one sure.”

Her already persistent grin seemed to grow bigger in excitement.

“Anything else interesting happening?”

I took a deep breath, “I’m going to be a battle medic.”

She paused mid-bite, staring at me with an intensity that I didn’t see often on her face before she took the bite and nodded, “Okay.”

“That’s it?” I narrowed my eyes, “No; ‘Kakashi you’re a frontliner. Your crazy Kakashi, there’s no way you will be able to accomplish that. Kakashi you just can’t do that.’”

“If you say you're going to do it, I believe you.” She said simply, with a shrug. She then picked up our empty trays and stood walking away from me. I followed her silently completely floored as she busied herself putting them away and leading me out of the room to one with more privacy.

An empty decoy room and a privacy seal later we sat on the floor, my legs stretched out in front of me as I propped myself against the wall. She sat simply with crossed legs, her hands resting on her knees.

“Do you have a plan?”

“Yes,” I paused, “about what though.”

“About Obito. About being a battle medic. I have a feeling they correlate.”

“The moment I am trained up enough to handle the title of battle medic I am going to head out and try to find him,” I said slowly.

“That can take up to five years.”

“I will do it in one,” I responded flatly.

She stared at me for a long moment, the wolf I saw before lurking behind her eyes, “Okay.”

We sat in silence for a moment, the sound of our breathing the only thing we could hear.

“What if they are hurting him?”

“I have to trust he will survive until I can get to him.”

“You know the likelihood of that.”

“They refuse to expend the resources to look for him, he’s just another war casualty to them. He wasn’t someone important.” I responded slowly, “I can’t afford going rogue to find him, I’m not powerful enough to survive a life on the run and he would be devastated to know I abandoned the Leaf for him. Besides, I have my pack to think about.”

“I could do it.” She responded slowly, “They can't afford to bench me and will accept me back if I came back with him.”

“And end your dream?”

“What do you mean?”

“’Shina,” I started slowly, choosing my words carefully, “they will not accept a loose cannon as the Hokage.”

“My dream isn’t more important than him.”

“Do what you want,” I responded with a shrug, “Bottom line is without the village resources we will never be able to find him. Hell, even with the village resource we might not be able to find him.”

She stared down at her hands for a moment, “I wish he was dead. I wouldn’t be so scared for him then”

“Sometime,” I closed my eyes, “I would have to agree.”

In a span of one minute and the next I went from being in the room with Kushina to jolting awake in an unfamiliar place. I Immediately took in the area, looking for threats, before settling down realizing I must be in the barracks. Pushing my blanket to the side I noticed there had been a note on it and carefully picked it up.

_Fell asleep talking to me. Will listen. Travel home safe._

Underneath the words was a simple swirl as a signature.

I blinked slightly before running fire chakra through the note, burning it. The ash fell to the ground and I got up and wandered to what I assume was the exit and waited for someone to walk by. After five minutes a woman passed by, with a few quick words we were of, and I was out the door on the way to the Leaf.

* * *

“Kakashi Hatake, 009720, returning from a C rank,” I called out; my voice flat.

“You should have returned 2 days ago.” The women at the guard’s desk noted.

“Complications in the mission,” I responded, already feeling the dread build up.

“Sorry,” She began, “We have to summon a member of T&I to clear you. I shouldn’t take more than an hour.”

I sighed but nodded my head slightly in understanding. I waited silently with my back against the wall and eyes scanning the trees as they sent out a message for a member of T&I. I didn’t have any sensitive information and my mission had been a C rank, so it didn’t particularly matter if they arrived in 1 minute or 5 so I was left waiting.

Nothing ever took long when you were a ninja, it skewed your sense of time. I knew from watching civilians travel through the day that an hour was nothing to them while it meant everything to us.

“Kakashi Hatake,” the voice was gruff as what I could only assume was a member of Torture and Interrogation stood within taijutsu distance of me, “I will be placing this chakra seal on you and immobilizing you, we are aware this will make you uncomfortable but to ensure you have not been tampered with or are a sleeper agent without being aware we need to screen you.”

I wasn’t happy about it but nodded anyways holding out my hands loosely so he could see them.

“I need verbal permission that you understand what is happening and will do what you can to not attack me.”

“I will not attack you,” I responded slowly, “please proceed.”

The chakra seal was cold, the void Kakashi left tearing slightly wider as my chakra boiled under my skin inaccessible to me.

There was one thing I remembered vividly from the Before, and vividly is in the loosest term I can muster. My death was something that always stuck with me beyond a birthmark across my stomach. The actual dying part, that is, not the situation that led up to it. I remember the creeping chill that crawled up my spine, the buzzing in my head and the pain in my abdomen. I can imagine the pop of my skin breaking, the drag of whatever caused it as it raked across me, but that would all it would be, an approximation. I remember the chill the best, how it spread from my spine and encompassed me, how I struggled to breathe and darkness crawling in my eyes.

I remember peace in a place so violent. 

And then I was waking up as a one-year-old Kakashi spoke his first words, the smile of a proud father, and I fell in love. There was nothing romantic about it, this was purely platonic because there looking down at us was our father. I knew that much after all, even in the absence of me I still existed through Kakashi. We were separate yet the same and we shared everything.

And now it was just me.

“Kakashi Hatake,” the same voice from before cut through my thoughts, “I am going to lead you to this chair, please sit in it. Under it is a seal that helps us monitor your vitals, it may feel a little strange.”

“Okay,” I responded slowly, they had to have used shunshin to get here, probably. It didn’t help that I wasn’t paying attention, something rather deadly considering the situation.

The man led me to the chair rather gently for someone in T&I and I sat down willing patiently allow him to tie down my hands and feet. Next walked in another man, this one with a smooth voice and eyes like the leaves we grew up playing with.

“Name and registration.”

“Kakashi Hatake, 009720.”

“Why were you late returning to the village.”

“I felt as if I was being followed and took extensive measures to ensure the individual following me did not track me to my mission objective.”

I wasn’t allowed to say I was heading to an outpost, not even to a fellow ninja. It would be far to easy for this all to be a Genjutsu after all. All my mission information was heavily coded and written down for the Hokage, if it was too sensitive to be written down then it was given in a verbal code to the Hokage.

The man nodded, “We are going to do a scan on you to see if you have anything in your system. I am going to perform an interrogation jutsu on you, it is just to disrupt your chakra and let me search for anything as well.”

“Do whatever you need to,” I responded slowly, I was already uncomfortable might as well be more so.

He cast the jutsu on me and my world distorted, I was no longer in the dank room of T&I but rather in a gage with my legs and arms held out away from my body by chains.

The creeping cold intensified, I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end and involuntarily I bucked away from it reaching desperately for my chakra that was completely unresponsive. I jerked and hiss and spit, my eyes darting wildly around.

I could hear a voice talking to me, what was it saying? it didn’t matter, I just had to get out.

A sharp pain dragged me back to awareness and suddenly I was back in the torture and interrogation room with the green-eyed man eyeing me carefully.

“Back with me, Kakashi?”

I wheezed out a yes.

“Your cleared, be sure to get your report in by tonight.” He said slowly, eyeing me almost distrustfully before slowly peeling off the charka suppressant seal. Everything regained its edge and I found myself able to focus again, past the beat of my own heart.

He then held out a hand and shunshin us out of the room.

The interesting thing about shunshin is that you can only use it if you know where you are going, and it is a relatively clear shot. The fact we were using it in the room meant there was a way out of the room, probably under a genjutsu, that wasn’t the door. It was rather interesting and complex.

I stood blankly staring at the streets of the Leaf for a moment before jolting myself back into awareness.

I had a mission report to write and a pack to visit after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A possible outcome to what I brought up in the other chapter about this being Oc!Kakashi/Obito: I could make the main fic gen and have side moments of Oc!Kakashi/Obito that is cannon in the story but not mentioned in the main story as oneshots or something. 
> 
> I think its a relatively good compromise.
> 
> What do you guys think of the chapter? I think the next chapter is going to talk mostly about training with the pack and preparing for the next medic exam. What was following Shi? You will find out eventually.


	6. Chapter 6

There’s something rotting.

A stream of sunlight hit my closed eyes, coming in from my window. I blinked one eye open, staring up at the ceiling as the sunlight scorched my retina. It did nothing to chase away the image of the half of Obito’s face I remember seeing through Kakashi’s eyes, the anguish we felt together as he dared to smile. Dared to give us his eye.

It was going to be a long day.

I knew what I was feeling, battle fatigue is what the Hatake called it, a weakness that you needed to power through. Our father once told us that he would always be there for them, not matter what, and the day they experienced this he would be there to hold them while they cried because even if it was a weakness it was nothing to be ashamed of in his eyes.

What a liar.

Today was my rest day, I had one of them after any out of village mission. It was something Minato insisted on and I found myself following even now when he was technically only my superior.

He still trained me even now, after all.

I sat up slowly, running a hand through my hair and glancing around the room. I needed to find a new house for the dogs, that should at least be started today.

I didn’t move.

Maybe the world would stop moving, maybe if I held my breath I could freeze in this moment and never have to move on, to continue after a tragedy no one bothered to remedy. Maybe I could greet the Sage with a smile on my face, at this moment I could be released from this torment.

Maybe I was being dramatic.

I pushed myself out of bed and made my way into the kitchen. I hadn’t gone shopping so I didn’t have any perishables, I tended not to buy them anyway since you never knew when you would be called on a mission. Especially in relation to the fact we were at war.

Eating a protein bar was never an exciting process, gagging it down took a lot of practice though and I had been doing it for years. Eating a few Akimichi crackers filled with fats and vitamins yet still tasting relatively good rounded out my breakfast and I was ready to get dressed.

There was a knock on my door. Grabbing the hospital mask, I came home with a week ago and extended my senses outward I approached the door slowly and silently. There was only one person, definitely a shinobi. The chakra was warm in a way I somewhat recognized, carefully I answered the door.

“Kakashi Hatake?” the man in front of me gritted out, his posture straight and proud. Like most Uchiha he smelled like ash, unlike many Uchiha he had the lingering scent of flowers as well.

“Who?” I responded involuntarily only to get a glare in return. 

“I am the one who will be training that eye of yours, I will not be revealing any specific Uchiha secret to you but as members of this village it is our responsibility to make sure you at least know how to use it in its most basic form.”

“I see,” I responded blankly.

“Meet me tomorrow when the sun is at it’s highest at the only Uchiha training ground open to strangers.”

“Noted.” We stared at one another before I slowly began to close my door. The old man huffed and turned haughtily away, the last I saw of him before I closed the door was his back.

What an insult.

I sighed pressing my forehead against the door, why did Obito do this to me?

It was going to be a very long day indeed.

* * *

I decided to travel through the market on my way to visit the dogs, I was feeling despondent and hoped seeing the rest of the village would make me feel less so. I always made an effort to see the dogs, no matter what I was feeling, and since this was my rest day, I could spend the whole day with them. It would be nice to watch their training and then I could take them to pick out a house. We were a team after all.

We were Pack.

“Kakashi!” A voice I immediately recognized as Rin called out to me from down the street. I forced myself to pause glancing over my shoulder at her.

“Hello, Rin.”

“I heard you want to be a medic; I could give you a few pointers if you want.” She smiled at me.

Something in me snapped.

The void in me yawned wide open with a thousand teeth of which some of mine were among them. I could feel it creeping in the air around us slowly seeping its way towards her, part of me wanted to run. 

Part of me wanted a fight. That part was one with teeth bared and throats ripped out, one full of the scent of the hunt in every wild way a Hatake had abandoned when they joined the village. Our father made sure we would never forget.

I could never forget.

“Rin, I have a question for you,” I shoved my hands in my pockets, something most ninja find rude, but I couldn’t find in myself to care, “why did you agree?”

“To what?” She blinked in confusion, tilting her head slightly.

“Why did you perform the surgery.”

We stood in silence for a moment, the air between us buzzing, the whispering in my ear of every mistake we had made that brought us to this point, Obito’s rasping breath. It was so overwhelming I almost couldn’t breathe.

“For the same reason, I image you agreed to it?” She said it like a question like she wasn’t particularly sure either.

“You had to then? As a clan heir accepting a gift from another clan you had to accept it?” I drawled watching her face before letting out a harsh laugh, “Oh, you think I wanted this eye? No, Rin, I didn’t want a field procedure done by a green medic to have the eye of my best friend in my head so that every single fucking time I looked in the mirror I just see his dying face.”

There was more to it, more than just politics, we couldn’t have said no to anything Obito wanted at that moment.

“I’m sorry.”

I snorted involuntarily rocking back on my heels, “I am vivisected by the Sage himself, and all you can say is I’m sorry.”

“Do you think you are the only one hurting?” She snapped, “Obito wasn’t just your teammate.”

“Why would I care if you were hurting?” I laughed humorously, “Obito may have been your teammate as well but you didn’t really care for him, did you?”

“I thought _we_ were teammates.”

“So did I.”

I could see the void creeping at the edges of my vision, an endless abyss swallowing us both whole as we genuflect before it.

“I don’t understand.”

I sighed harshly through my nose, stepping forward and forcing her to step back until her back hit the wall so I could step into her space, our face inches apart, “You were not good enough, I will be.”

She stared at me for a long moment tears in her eyes, “You’ve changed, Kakashi.”

“You haven’t, Rin.” I sighed, closing my eyes, “I promised him I would look out for you, so I will do that much, but I will not be your friend.”

I turned and walked away ignoring the strangled sound she made.

Somehow, I felt hollower than I did before.

Something was rotting and somehow, I knew it was me.

* * *

The dogs crowded around me, some of their excited barks garbled human words like pet and love. It helped me feel a little steadier and a little less volatile.

“Good job on the training,” I smiled down at them, carefully pressing a hand to each of their head before Bull reared up and tried to knock me down. I chuckled lightly weathering the brunt of his weight with as little chakra as I could get away with.

This was the only thing that was truly mine.

“Hey, Boss, you didn’t stay long yesterday besides to tell us you got back,” Pakkun yawned lightly bouncing once than leaping up at me making me shift to grip so that I was holding Bull up with one arm and catching Pakkun with the other, “The boys were worried when I showed back up with only the information that you made it to the objective of your mission.”

I smiled lightly behind my mask, it almost hurt with how unused to it I was, “Sorry, sorry.”

“You should be,” Pakkun nodded once, “did you run into any trouble on the way back?”

“No,” I responded lightly eyeing the other dogs as they, in turn, circled me. With a series of yips Bisuke, Akino, Uhei, and Guruko all leaped at me in a well-coordinated attack for how little training they had. I went down on one knee, closing my eyes as their chakra bubbled happily around me. The puppies, Uhei and Bisuke, slid off me and grabbed a hold of my vest with their teeth trying to throw their weight enough to knock me down, Bull seeing this shifted his weight to the right and suddenly we were tumbling. Uhei and Bisuke barely managed to dodge the fall before the leaped right back into the puppy pile we were making, it was glorious and filled the hollow feeling I had with something light and airy as I laughed loudly. Pakkun threw high head back and let out a howl that all the rest of the dogs joined in with, something deep in me bid me do the same so I let my head fall back onto the ground and let out my own howl.

It was nice, the sound of a join voices, I think I could recognize them anywhere from scent and voice and chakra. There wasn’t anywhere that I couldn’t find them if I had to.

A light chuckle interrupted our howling causing me to jump slightly, “I didn’t know you had it in you Hatake,” the boy's trainer, Ashi, said with a smile.

I felt my face heat up and thanked my past self for wearing my mask, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“Sure.” She snorted before blessedly moving on, “The boys have moved along well with their training, they should be done by the end of the month for the basics. Anything specialized remember you will have to do.”

“Yeah,” I nodded, shoving at Bull so I could sit up, “Thank you for taking care of them.”

“Of course,” she rubbed the back of her neck, closing her eyes with a grin, “They all have such interesting personalities. I think little Uhei is going to be your problem child.”

I glanced at the greyhound puppy who rolled over onto his back, his tongue lulling out, “they are all problem children.” I deadpanned at the cute display, unmoved.

Ashi snorted before nodding and walking away, her hands behind her head. I watched her for a moment, counting the steps she took before she was out of the room and then stared after the closed-door absentmindedly petting whoever wiggled into my lap.

I missed the point where things were simpler, where Kakashi was Kakashi and I was the phantom in his head. But that isn’t even right, not really our relationship, because as much as I was not Kakashi I very much was. A different side of the same coin, a breath exhaled too quickly, a narrowed eye, and a strong back.

“Boss?” I glanced down, Pakkun stared up at me, worried.

“Yes?”

“You were doing that thing again.”

“Staring?”

“Yeah.”

“Ah,” I sighed faintly with the noise, “sorry, I am back.”

“Welcome back.” He paused for a moment, making his way through the wiggling mass of dogs before bumping his head against my knee, “It’s scary when you go where we can’t follow.”

“Sorry,” I whispered, picking him up and tucking him under my chin, “I love you, all of you.”

“We love you too,” Pakkun pressed his head against the underside up my chin and I closed my eyes.

I was safe.

* * *

“What do you guys think of this house?” I scratched at my head as I wandered the traditional house. It had three rooms, which fit into my original plan. It also had a decent size kitchen, which didn’t really matter since I doubted I would be using it much. A nice living area. The sliding door would be irritating, but I could just leave the dog's room open for them and get a dog door that was sealed by Kushina or Minato to make sure they could leave, and my security wasn’t compromised.

“Uhei hates the way it smells.”

“That would change the longer we lived in it.”

“Bull says it makes his fur itch.”

“How could a location make his fur itch”

“Ask him.”

I turned and stared at Bull, who stared back blankly before slowly picking up his back leg and scratching at his ear in the most unconvincing act I had ever seen.

“Work on your acting.” I sighed before whistling lightly to get the rest of the dogs to follow me, “Fine, we will not choose this one.”

It moved along similar to that, Pakkun would inform me of some strange ailment the other dogs had that made it so the house was ill-fitting for them. Sometimes he would even use them as an excuse when they were not in the room. 

By the fourth house, I was done with his game.

“Pakkun,” I barked out sharply, watching him jump to attention, “Why are you being so annoying? Every single one of those houses was fine and you have refused all of them without giving me a real reason.”

Pakkun sighed looking away from me and letting his face fall into the age-old kicked puppy look he loved so much.

“Pakkun, talk to me,” I said softly.

“None of them were home.”

“They would be if you let them.”

“We already have a home.”

“The apartment is too small.”

“No, we already have a house. We already have a home.”

I paused, studying the pug for a moment before crouching down and reaching out to him, “what do you mean?”

“The Hatake Compound still exists, it just needs a little bit of cleaning.”

I felt a chill run down my spine.

“Absolutely not.” I pulled back and stood, taking a step away from Pakkun.

“Boss-”

“No, Pakkun.” I closed my eyes, the chill seeping into my skin, I wanted to curl up and hide. Hide from what, I don’t know.

I whistled lightly and started to walk toward the Inuzuka compound with the dogs at my heels. I carefully ran a hand over their head and dropped them off at the kennels, Pakkun tried to talk to me but I could not manage to respond save for a hum or a nod.

I closed my eye and smiled at them with a wave before vanishing as quickly as I could, I found myself wandering the village aimlessly trying to stay as hidden as possible. Eventually, I ended up in the graveyard, kneeling before my father’s grave, my hands on my knees and my head bowed.

I kneeled there for a long time in silence, unable to really focus on anything. His grave looked like a mess, a ruin of older times no one bothered to maintain and take care of. Kakashi never visited his father except to degrade him.

“Hello,” I paused for a moment, feeling awkward, “Dad.”

The wind blew through the gravestones and I ran a hasty hand through my hair, the strands snagging between my fingers as I caught a knot or two.

“I don’t suppose you know me, not who I am as I am now. It’s a rather complicated process. You see, I am Kakashi, and yet I am not; not as you know him. I don’t want to be Kakashi as you know him. The Kakashi you know is an angry hateful little boy who was too caught up in his own reality that he constructed, and I guess on some level I am still angry and hateful.” I paused again, lifting my hands to stare down at them, “I am angry and hateful and full of spite, I can’t help that. But I am trying.” I glanced to the side taking in the carefully polished stones on either side of my father’s, “There were a lot of things said to you that I regret. You did not deserve the scorn of your own child when you should have been praised for your actions. I am sorry-.”

The Hashirama tree not too far behind me groaned interrupting what I was saying, and I closed my eyes.

“The dogs want to move back into the compound. I don’t think I can do it, but it’s the only thing they have really asked of me.” I rocked back a little putting more pressure on my ankles before redistributing my weight more evenly again, “I am scared. But like I said I am trying. I am going to be a battle medic, please take note of the battle part because I will not be playing doctor behind the lines. I am going to break everyone’s understanding of what it means to be a ninja, I just hope that it’s something you would be proud of.”

I kneeled there in silence, watching the grave as the sun crept lower and lower. Eventually, my legs fell asleep even with the careful trickle of chakra I was running through them and I forced myself to stand.

“One day, I will be proud of myself. That will have to be enough.”

I turned and walked back to my apartment, feeling strangely lighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhh, I have finals next week so hopefully, I will be able to write more after that. 
> 
> In the tags, I warned the readers that Shi was a real rude kid and it kind of shows here. I think they have more of a problem processing emotions so they lash out, which is something I think of Kakashi had until he grew into just repressing them. this is a lot of conceal don't feel oh no I had 1 (one) emotion and now I have to punch you with my words kind of situation. 
> 
> I am having fun writing this character there should be Uchiha drama and stuff like that next chapter. 
> 
> Someone commented on the fact I had Shi go into T&I after two days of being MIA. Bases' only means of communication is through carrier ninja of which Shi was the designated one for this so them being MIA for two days means the enemy could have gotten ahold of them at any point and really messed them up. So I think in wartime it should be a procedure to screen all ninja, I would push to screen all ninja that leave the village but that may be over the top so I settled for this.


	7. Chapter 7

The sun was high in the sky, a burning ball of heat. It was the Leaf’s hot season, when the air was humid and the sun unrelenting.

I was miserable.

The hot season was always the worst, it made breathing through my mask harder than usual and I was always damp with the number of layers I wore.

The Hatake originally came from the mountains around Lightning country, they were nomadic hunters like the Inuzuka and traveled in colder climates. They had long gotten used to the heat after generations of the slowly dwindling clan living in Fire country, but my chakra still hummed strangely when I entered mountains, charged with something beyond me like it somehow remembered something I could never understand. I don’t remember where I lived in the before, don’t particularly care either. It doesn’t matter what I used to be, coming to terms with what I am now is all that I could manage anyway.

I stepped onto the training field just as the sun reached its highest point, neither late or early, and stood easily across from the Uchiha. I knew very little about him, I didn’t even know his first name. I did know that he was a rather incendiary person, the fact he turned his back on me so easily on our first meeting spoke a lot of his opinions on me. Besides that his chakra was warm, so he was likely to be a fire nature, if I concentrated I could sense that the chakra gathers around his eyes, hands, and feet the most so he tended to push chakra into those places more than anywhere else. That fact didn’t help me much since I knew he had a Kekkei Genkai and most shinobi gathered chakra most at their feet, it was a little interesting that his hands also had the natural pooling of charka but until we spared I wouldn’t know why beyond speculation.

“Yo,” I smiled at him with a short salute after staring blankly at him as I observed him. During that time, he had grown more and more uncomfortable if the slight increase in movement of his chakra was any indication. It was nice to observe an opponent like this, it reminded me of when I was in the back and Kakashi was in the front, when I could just watch without worry.

He sneered and with a twist of chakra activated his Sharingan, three to tomoe spun quickly in the center of his eye, “Show me the eye.”

Blinking once at him I glanced over my shoulder and then looked back at him and pointed at myself before giving a thumbs up. It was a little fun messing with the man but if I was being honest with myself I was just being petty. I didn’t want training, I could figure it out on my own just fine, but to reject the Uchiha clan would be detrimental to me when they were showing kindness in training me no matter how aggressive they were about it.

So, instead, I was trying to make the man quit in the most innocent ways I could think of.

I pushed my headband up away from my eye and opened it, the shock of clarity from only one side was startling for a moment immediately giving me a headache with whiplash before I concentrated on the Uchiha. I could see the slight stress lines on his face as much as I could see the laugh lines there. He spent a lot of time laughing, realizing that was just as jarring as trying to adjust to Obito’s eye.

I didn’t expect the man who sneered at me as he did was also a man who laughed often enough it was imprinted on his skin, I couldn’t help but wondered what he saw when he looked at me.

“You have two tomoe, for now we will work on adjusting to an active Sharingan.” He shifted his weight slightly, “once I am sure you can go between active Sharingan to inactive and back in the middle of battle without faltering we will work on actually using it beyond its passive features.”

“Sure, boss,” I responded lazily, trying to shift my weight to the balls of my feet without him noticing.

He lunged, making it across the field at high Jonin speed, I easily lifted my arm and blocked it running a little bit of lighting Chakra through me to make sure I met the blow. Because of Minato, speed was one of my specialties. To be Jonin you had to have three chakra natures master, have a specialization, and have something that put you above everyone else beyond the basic skills needing to be high enough. When we originally took the exam Kakashi was expecting to be a special Jonin. Special Jonin were those who didn’t quite make the cut for Jonin but had the special skill to be above Chunin. We had our sword work and tracking. We also had earth, water, and lightning style nature transformations master relatively well with lightning being our strongest. I had chakra tracking as a semi-good sensor when I could concentrate. We are faster than most Jonin. Although our accuracy with throwing weapons is high Chunin, it would never be something we specialized in. Our skill set was okay at best, so I never understood why we were promoted to Jonin.

Then again, this was war.

He shifted under my guard and attempted to hit me in the jaw, I tilted my head and locked his arm against my body before pivoting and putting enough pressure on it I knew it would hurt. He managed to yank it from me by taping me with a handful of chakra with fire chakra burning along his palm so I knew it would leave a red mark on my skin.

He still smelled like flowers.

We disengaged and I followed him as he circled me, visible heat rolling off his hands, he tapped the ground setting it on fire before using a sealless jutsu I couldn’t quite identify with the fire he just created. I could see the way his chakra danced in the fire before setting off the jutsu, it was strange and unnerving in a way I couldn’t describe. I quickly shot a water bullet at it, cutting back the handseals I would have to use to about six of them compared to the usual twenty. I was working on getting it to one but I would never be familiar enough with it to do it sealless.

Steam rose around the training field.

“Sharingan off.” His face called out from beyond the steam as he unrelentingly came down on me from above, I dodged as I closed my eye the world shifting again enough to make the next attack land.

We continued like this, sparing for intervals of ten minutes where he would ask me to close my eye on Obito’s Sharingan and open it again randomly. It because a theme that every time he had me do it he would land a hit, I was unable to adjust seamlessly between the two of them. I was covered in red marks and my clothing was singed.

The Uchiha smiled with far too many teeth, “I think that is enough for today, I want you to practice adjusting outside of battle at home as much as you can.” He ran a hand through his hair sending the smell of ash and something uniquely him through the air almost making me sneeze.

“I can do that.”

“Try to make it where it is during something like cooking or whatever hobby you have. You look like the needlepoint type.” The Uchiha nodded slightly, his eyes twinkling with mischief.

“I don’t have hobbies.”

He snorted rolling his eyes before pausing and staring at me his Sharingan still active, “Wait, you're serious.”

I blinked at him.

“Get a hobby, kid.” He stretched lightly, before turning his back to me once again and walking away, “meet me back here day after tomorrow same time. If you get a mission have someone send me a message so I don’t waste my time.”

“Hard to do when I don’t know your name.”

“You’re a ninja, figure it out.”

* * *

“Hello, Shi.” Tsubaki leaned back in her seat, she wore her blond hair in a tight braid coiled in a ball at the back of her head today, “How are you today?”

“I am fine,” I responded lightly, “how are you?”

“This isn’t about me, Shi.” She paused for a moment before sighing, “I heard you got in a fight with Rin.”

“A fight? That was a conversation.”

“How do you feel about Rin?” She continued ignoring my comment with ease.

“She is fine.”

“Oh? I have a report here of what you said to her.”

I was silent for a moment, staring blankly at the wall over her shoulder.

“I am not your mother. With this said, Shi, what did she do to deserve your scorn?”

“She seemed like nothing happened.” I found myself responding without my consent, an almost breathless admission, “she acted like there wasn’t a problem.”

“What were you feeling at that moment?”

“Nothing.”

“You are human, there is no way for you to feel nothing.”

“Betrayed then, I guess.”

“Did it occur to you that she deals with trauma differently than you do? You are very different from your peers, as different as you are similar, is it possible that she is just as hurt as you?”

“How can she smile at me when I have his fucking eye in my head? How can she even look at me?”

“Ah, I see,” Tsubaki tapped a finger to her mouth, “do you feel guilty that you survived and Obito didn’t, Shi?”

“How could I not?” I snapped standing in my chair with enough force to send it toppling over, she didn’t even flinch, “He’s captured somewhere, probably being tortured, and I am sitting here talking about my feelings with some half-rate shrink. Do you get some kind of perverse joy out of seeing people break down, does it bring you joy to see people cry?” I sneered behind my mask narrowing my eyes at her as I heaved in another breath, “What an absolute freak.”

“Are you done?”

“Do I look done?”

“Yes, I think you do.”

We stared at each other for a moment, my heart racing as I panted behind my mask. Finally, I righted the chair and sat back down.

“Good, now was it right of you to take that out on Rin?”

I gritted my teeth lightly, forcing myself to swallow back the knee jerk response of an expletive telling her exactly how I felt about her and Rin and instead forced myself to actually think about it from Rin’s perspective.

She was closer to Obito than I was, they had known each other since the beginning of their ninja career in a way I never could have since I skipped most of the years and graduated early. She had to be feeling something.

It was a startling realization, but when it comes down to it I know her fighting style, but I didn’t know her. Not the way I knew Obito. I knew every little tick Obito had, everything I could say to piss him off and what I could say to get him to focus. I knew the easiest way to motivate him, his favorite food, the name of the old women he helped out before practice most days.

I knew nothing about Rin.

“Why didn’t she fight back if she felt anything at all?”

“Why does she have to defend herself to you? You are no judge.”

I studied my hands, tracing the calluses there to think through my response, “No,” I started slowly, blinking letting my focus fall past my hands and to the floor, “it wasn’t fair of me to do that to Rin.”

“If that is what you think then do you want to do something about it to make it better?”

I closed my eyes and sighed out my nose the heat of my own breath steading me, “Yeah, I probably should.”

“Good!” I could hear the smile in her voice, “Then I am giving you two things of homework, I want you to think before you react when it comes to your emotions. You are a very analytical person so this should come easy for you, when you have an emotion try to find the trigger for it. If you have a thought like ‘how can she not feel the same way I do?’ try to think about it from all angles and rephrase the thought to ‘what is she feeling right now?’ because we cannot know what others are feeling without asking. We can only control our selves and our actions in this world. The second bit of homework I want you to talk to Rin, handle it however you want to but find out how she is feeling. Okay?”

I sighed again, “Okay.”

* * *

I sniffed the air lightly, looking for Rin’s scent, I wasn’t outright tracking her, not by a long shot, but I was absently wandering while looking for her. I had tried the bookstore, the library, wandered the main strip of restaurants. Ultimately, I was trying very hard not to just show up at her house.

It looked like that was what I was going to have to do.

It was easier to get this out of the way not rather than let it sit like I very much wanted to do. It was dinner time and I was tired.

Admitting I was wrong wasn't something I was particularly good at, I knew my flaws. I am stubborn and inconsiderate, I didn't think of people as people without them beating it into me in some way. I was rude, I knew manners and tended to outright ignore them and I got a sick kick out of screwing with people. My main flaw was that I didn't particularly care to change any of that. 

But I was a ninja, a damn good one, so it didn't matter. I knew to listen to my superiors, I didn't question orders, I was the perfect little soldier. The Leaf couldn't care less if I was the most belligerent person in their army, as long as I did my job and was a body to fight I was valuable. I was nothing outside that to them, and I had been nothing outside that for so long that was all I was even to myself. I knew my own mentality, you had to in this world or it could be used against you. As Kakashi I obsessed about the handbook, becoming the perfect ninja, as I am now I am limping along as half a person with a gaping hole in me where Obito blasted the part that was 'Kakashi' into whatever hell we belonged. 

I carefully climbed up the side of the apartment building she lived in, curling my toes in my sandals as I reached her window. Maneuvering around her plants I tapped on the window.

And then tapped again when I didn’t get a response.

People are caught off guard if you don’t use the door, unnerves them a little, it might be the only thing that gives me enough time to get out an 'I’m sorry' before she shuts the window on me.

One more tap and finally she appeared in the window, only to shut the curtains on me.

Sighing I tapped again, climbing a bit higher to settle more comfortably.

“Rin, I wanted to say I’m sorry.”

She still didn’t answer.

“Rin please.” I pressed my forehead against the wall, “I really am sorry. I can’t say I didn’t mean what I said but I shouldn’t have said it like that. I should have talked to you like a person instead of persecuting you for every wrong thing that happened to me. It wasn’t right, I wasn’t considering your feelings, he was as much your friend as he was mine.”

I crouched against the wall, staring at her window for another ten minutes before sighing. I’d leave a note tomorrow to tell her I would leave her alone until she wanted to talk to me and again that I was sorry in case she didn’t hear me, I didn’t have any paper on me now or I would have done it while I was here.

Silently I made my way back down. 

In all honesty, I knew she owned me nothing, I was the one who attacked her, and if this had been a real physical attack, I would have been put before the council and judged for my crimes against a comrade.

I was wrong and there was very little I could do about it but wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little shorter but it kind of ended itself and I felt if I added any more to this chapter it would start to feel disjointed since I try to make the chapters encompassing a day of Shi's life. 
> 
> Does anyone want to guess what the Uchiha's hobby is? It's real easy. He has two so bonus points if you guess the one that I haven't hinted at. 
> 
> So, healthy coping mechanism, I have an idea of what I want Shi to pick up eventually, but I want to know what you guys think. Children's book writing, Embroidery, or weaving? I am learning embroidery and weaving in my spare time so I can add actual information on how it's done a little and for children's books you will actually get to read a story or two written by Shi. So what do you think? For the children stories I did something heavily involving a storyteller in my Kintsugi Children story (its also written in a completely different style from this one about a root OC, that style is supposed to be disjointed to show how the character themselves are disjointed from reality) so I if you want to see a little of how I do it you can read some of that. I think the only story in there that is not my original work is the scorpion and the frog. With this said the stories will not be as heavily featured in this story as they are in that one.


	8. Chapter 8

The name of the Uchiha training me was Reo.

I stood outside his home as he smiled at his wife and laughed with his children. They owned a flower shop bellow their home, his wife, Arisu, tended to it on most days with the help of his two daughters. They were very close in age, it was possible they were even dizygotic twins. One with short hair that curled at the edges was named Emiko, the other with hair pulled back into a simple bun was named Ryo. Their children, Ryo and Emiko had the classic Uchiha build, all long legs and arms, where Arisu was rather stalky. Emiko had Reo’s eye shape and sharp jawline, Ryo had their mother’s.

I felt small.

Emiko laughed, reaching out to snatch a flower out of her sisters’ hand before darting around to hide behind her father. Reo joined her in her laughter as he snatched her up and placed her in front of her sister who deftly plucked her flower back and placed it in the arrangement she was making.

Reo glance up through the window, I wasn’t particularly trying to hide so when our eyes met, I wasn’t surprised when the smile fell. I almost felt guilty as he grimaced at me, slowly shifting so that he was in between me and his children, ruining the family fun as everyone looked at him strangely.

He didn’t trust me.

I couldn’t blame him, but that didn’t mean it didn’t make my heart drop.

* * *

“Hello again, Shi,” Tsubaki’s blue eyes seemed to almost glow in the dim light of the setting sun as it filtered through her sheer curtains, “How have you been?”

I leaned back, stretching out my legs and scratching absently at the corner of my mask where it rubbed at the scar on my eye. “Fine.”

“How have your studies been?”

I glanced at her, darting between her eyes to try to decern some sort of intention from her, I never understood therapists. They had nothing to gain but money when it came to listening to the problems of the people that came to them and often times the money was meager at best.

“It’s been going well, I believe I will be able to pass the test this time,” I struggled for a place to put my hands for a moment before settling to place them on the arms of the chair, it was a rather vulnerable position, but I didn’t particularly care. My hands were free and if I had to, I could drop to the floor into a crouch rather quickly. She was silent for a moment, before sighing and placing her pen to the side.

“Would you rather me be blunt with you, Shi, or continue how I have been.”

I blinked, startled, “I would rather you be blunt.”

“Looking at your past interactions with peers and superiors, it has been noted that you have gone through a major personality shift. You have been through T&I twice so its unlikely you are just a very bad spy. What is more likely is that you have been under a great deal of stress and suffered extreme trauma, these two things compounded on each other and brought out your latent personality traits. Basically, when some people do not think what they are doing is working they attempt to adapt, you are trying to adapt. I cannot help you through these personality changes to find a stable midground, because as you are, you're not stable, without you helping me first. You are volatile at best; this is a liability for the village.”

“The village is my home; I would never do anything to hurt it.” I almost whispered, startled by her observations.

“Of course, you wouldn’t do it intentionally, Shi.” She smiled gently, “What I need from you to be able to work with you is for _you_ to be willing to work with me.” She continued, putting a certain emphasis on the word you, “I cannot help you if you do not want to be helped.”

I was silent, gazing blankly over her shoulder. Was I really that bad off? I knew I suffered through bouts of aggression that seemed to stem from nothing, that I struggled with flashbacks and the gaping hole Kakashi left in me. If I made this decision, I couldn’t hide anything from her.

Finally, I focused back on her. This was it, either I die or I find a way to feel better. It was a gamble.

I took a deep breath, “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“My name is Shi; I was reborn into this body and was a part of Kakashi Hatake since we were very young. Kakashi died, and now I am all that is left of Kakashi Hatake. I miss him desperately, the only people I have left in the world that is ours is Obito and Pakkun and-” I blurted out before pausing, my heart hammering in my chest, “and I am desperately afraid.”

Tsubaki watched me for a moment, before nodding, “Thank you for sharing.”

“What do you mean thank you for sharing, you should be locking me up,” I responded blankly.

And really she should be. Either I was delusional, or I was having a psychotic break, form what I understand of the system that means I was a liability to the village. This meant I should be locked up or put down like a dog. I was a dangerous Jonin without control over themselves, there was no telling what I would do.

“I am a Yamanaka, I can tell when people are lying just as well as you can. You believe what you have told me, this means you are either suffering some kind of mental breakdown that leads you to delusions or a reincarnated soul whose memories has lived as a semiseparate personality to Kakashi Hatake. I am inclined to believe the latter.”

“How the hell can you believe that?”

“Do you think you are the first reincarnation to ever grace the elemental nations? It is rather common among some of the other clans.”

I stared blankly at her, my uncovered eye wide in disbelief, “you believe me?”

She laughed lightly, “Oh, Shi, I am your counselor, I will always be on your side.”

For the first time, I believed it. I had someone irrevocably on my side. Something in me relaxed and I stared still in shock as she smiled politely at me.

“Now, why are you afraid?” She asked gently.

“I am afraid of losing what little I have left.” I sighed through my nose, “I have my pack now, I am responsible for them and losing them would be like loosing a limb. I’ve already lost Obito. I've already lost my dad. There are so many comrades that I see die every day. I can’t stand to get any closer to Gia or Kushina or Minato” I paused closing my eyes, “Or Rin, because I could not stand to lose them. That is why I am becoming a medic, Kakashi always believed that whoever struck first would win the battle, but I believe that it is the one who can outlast the others, who can provide support, that will win the battle.”

“You cannot seclude yourself away from others, afraid to love again,” She said, speaking as if she were talking to an injured, skittish, animal and I supposed I was.

“What else can I do? I don’t want to feel this pain.”

“On some level to feel pain is to be alive.” Tsubaki smiled, “It is ultimately you what you want to do and how you want to live your life, however, I would like you to consider this: wouldn’t it be a lonely life if you never let anyone back into your heart?”

I sighed, closing my eyes again against the very idea, I was already exhausted.

“Just think about it,” She said gently, “in the meantime I want you to create something, anything, and share the process with someone you love.”

“Okay.” I murmured.

“Thank you for sharing with me, Shi, I truly appreciate your honesty. It clears up a lot of the things that have been going on with you.”

“You forced it out of me.”

“I did no such thing,” she laughed, “you are, of course, free to walk out at any point and as long as you can still perform as a Ninja there is nothing I can do about it. You are incr-”

“Thank you.” I murmured, interrupting her as I carefully and skillfully avoided eye contact.

She paused for a moment as I stared at a point just past her, “You’re welcome.”

* * *

The pack followed me at my heels as I wandered toward our favorite barbeque place. They were nice enough to have a separate menu for the dogs, it made Pakkun feel important and if Pakkun was happy most of the other dogs tended to be too.

“Boss,” A soft voice garbled out from beside me, I glanced down and saw little Uhei looking up at me expectantly.

“Yes?”

“Pet.” The greyhound said with all seriousness.

I paused for a moment before stooping down to scope the puppy up, he was around 6 months old and a decent size for a greyhound puppy so I had to wrangle a 45 pound of wiggling fur.

“Pet! Pet!” He barked happily, much louder than before making the rest of the dogs that could talk echo the sentiment. I had to pause long enough to give them all pats and belly rubs before we could start walking again.

I hadn’t felt this content in a while.

We finally made it to the barbeque place and was given one of my favorite places to sit, the Jonin of the village tended to get almost special treatment when it came to seating. The owners of the establishment knew what the Jonin gave up for them and in turn, they did what they could to lessen the pressure in the village. I preferred to be able to see the door, most Jonin did so the room was a more open set up. I also preferred to be by a window, it was always nice to have a convenient escape route and all the windows in the place opened silently.

We all piled into the large booth with bull sitting on the outside. I ordered some random meal for myself and ordered the dogs some meat and organic treats they would enjoy. I was dropping a lot of money on this little outing but it was worth their happy tongue lulls and bright eyes.

Something bright caught my eye and I glanced at the door, walking in was Kushina and Minato, their shoulders bumping in a familiar way. I glanced away and tried to make myself small, I didn’t really feel like interacting with anyone but pack at the moment.

“Kakashi!”

Shit.

Kushina beamed as she made her way over to us, grabbing a table and shoving it easily next to mine after politely asking Bull to move.

“Introduce me to your dogs!” she sat down happily as poor Minato seems to sink slowly into his own chair with a look of dismay. The woman was a force of nature, there was no stopping her when she got a hold of something, no reasoning with her. But she loved wholly and fully and to be one of the people she loved was like the kindness and blessing from a passing god.

I carefully pointed out each of my pack and named them, waiting politely for the ones who could talk to say what they wanted, which usually amounted to a demand to be petted.

“I saw you and couldn’t help but come by,” She started as she looked through the menu like she hadn’t been here a thousand times before, this was her second favorite restaurant and as an active Ninja she had no time to really cook.

“I’m sure the urge was undeniable ‘Shina.” I snorted lightly with an eye roll. Which probably looked strange with only one eye visible.

“’Shina?” Minato blinked, “when did that happen?”

“Little Kakashi has finally picked a favorite Minato,” Kushina snickered into her hand, “it looks like you got left behind.”

I stared blankly at them both before returning to my meal trying to finish as quickly as I could since the dogs had finished theirs before the couple had shown up.

“Did you find a house?” Kushina asked, tugging on a strand of her own hair before brushing it to the side with a wave of her hand.

I stared blankly at Pakkun, he seemed to shrink into himself a little causing his cute wrinkly face to just get more wrinkly “No, I didn’t.”

The couple shared a look for a moment, seeming to have a conversation that was interrupted as the waiter came to take their order. Another moment of silence passed between us before Minato leaned back in his chair.

“So,” He said, “We, Kushina and I that is, have been thinking of buying a big house for a while now. We plan to have a lot of kids so having plenty of room is a must.” He paused, scratching at his nose for a moment before muttering something that even my sharp ears couldn’t catch.

“What?” I asked, slightly confused.

Kushina rolled her eyes, “do you want to live in one of the spare rooms for a few years? We won’t be having kids until the war ends and then they will be at least a year apart. We are planning on four right now so there will be enough room for you and the dogs and three spare rooms.”

“Why?” I blurted out before I could stop myself.

“What do you mean why?” Kushina narrowed her eyes at me, “We love you and want you in our life? I’m scared you will run yourself into the ground if you keep living by yourself? You need to feel like people love you? There’s a bunch of reasons, those were just a few.”

I knew my face was bright red as I fidgeted with my chopsticks, “I have to talk to the dogs.”

“We would be fine with it,” Pakkun said, skillfully blocking my escape route with the ease of a dog that has been doing it for years.

I stared at the ceiling, feeling the heat climb up my face. It was embarrassing that she was offering, but what was the most embarrassing thing was that I was considering the offer.

“Well, Kakashi?”

I turned my eyes to her, looked at her smiling face, and then glancing toward Minato who held the same fond look. With pure fear in my blood, I dropped enough money to pay our bill and shunshin as far away from the restaurant as I could.

I really was a coward, I could feel the cold edge of the place that Kakashi used to fill push up against me and I ran. I ran through the village, blindly darting at the edges of training fields until my heart felt like it was going to hammer its way out of my chest.

I hid in the tree pressing myself into a ball as I curled up against the trunk.

I don’t know how long I was there but soon I tuned back into the world at large to find Minato sitting next to me, his concerned eyes watching me.

“You back with me now?”

“Yeah,” I whispered.

We sat in silence for a moment.

“I’m sorry we overwhelmed you.” Minato said slowly, “We honestly would be much happier if you lived with us.”

“I don’t think you will,” I responded automatically.

“Why do you think that?” He asked easily only to sigh when I sat in silence, he shifted slightly and got more comfortable pulling out a block of softwood he could whittle with his Kunai.

My face felt like it was pulled to tautly over the bone, like any wrong move and it would tear off. I could feel the way my hair settled on my hear, the way my heart pounded in my fingertips. I could smell the nature around us, the rabbit not too far away, the birds in the trees. I counted them, forcing my mind to process something.

After a moment I felt a little calmer.

“I’m not the Kakashi you know,” I said finally, ripping the metaphoric bandage off.

“You are a Kakashi,” He didn’t look up from his work, just continued to shape the wood, “are you not?”

“Yeah.” I whispered, “I prefer Shi now.”

“Okay, Shi,” Minato nodded, “Will you come live with us?”

I stared at the bark under my hands and nodded.

“Use your words.” he chuckled slightly, a small dog taking steady shape in his hands.

“Yeah, I would like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UHUHUHU Shi is trying to live their life and everyone keeps trying to be a part of it like they love them or something.
> 
> weird.
> 
> If anyone is wondering the clan in this universe that has a lot of reincarnation in it is the Nara. I assume they have to have a lot of spiritual chakra that leans toward yin to be able to overcome other people's chakra. How do you get born with a lot of spiritual, yin based, chakra? Reincarnation.
> 
> So I was talking to someone in the comments, poor person got me talking enough to write a dissertation for them. I try to respond to everyone but get overwhelmed easily when it comes to communicating with people, so if I haven't responded to you I will eventually. Anyway, I mentioned that Shi's councilor kind of sucks. That's not really a good look at her skills as a counselor, especially considering how young a civilization the leaf is. So she's not a bad therapist per se she's just not really a good one when you look at it from the point of view of our reality. 
> 
> Anyways Shi's hobby will pop up soon, so vote on what you think it should be. So far embroidery is winning. The options are embroidery, weaving, and writing children's stories. 
> 
> I'm thinking I am going to start fast-tracking some stuff and there might be a few time skip like things going on, so far the timeline has been very close to a chapter a day so time has been moving very slowly for us. This was to give you, the readers, ample time to get used to the personality shift in Kakashi/Shi. I'm not too sure how I will continue, I have an idea of how I want the plot to go but I am trying to figure out the pace.


End file.
